What's Wrong With My Bodyguard

Chapter 23 : Delete

Porsche's POV

"I can't do it with anyone any
more..."

". . ."

"I can't get it up with anyone any more..."

I raise my head and stare into Kinn's eyes.He doesn't say anything for a moment, then grabs me by the wrist and dragsme out of my room, up the stairs and into his own room. I avoid the surprisedstares of the people we pass on the way up.

What is with you guys?They should be used to Kinn's ways by now! Kinn slams the door and locks it, then turns around to face me. I feelcompelled to repeat what I said in my room.

"I can't get it up with anyone any more..." I raise my head and stare into Kinn's eyes.

I catch a glimpse of his eyes, which slightly flicker at my words, before heplaces his warm palms against my cheeks.I continue,

"Do you like it...? That the image of you overlaps everything in my head, all the time? The pictures of that day come back to me every single time. I'm trying to forget. I even tried to get it on with a woman.But I can't do it." I say in a trembling voice.

Kinn stares at me blankly.Until, unable to find the focal point of that day in my head, I focus only on how I feel right now.

"..."

"It's like...as if the events of that day are always with me. It follows me everywhere, anywhere, any time! I feel I hate you so much...and I hate myself so much I cannot accept it. But why do I see you in here all the time!? "I point my finger at my head, my mouth trembling slightly.

My words and actions now seem to be trying to get some answers from Kinn, though I don't know what those answers are.

"Porsche..." Kinn's voice calls softly.

"And then the more I see you, the more the feelings repeat. I don'tunderstand why. I get hurt by your words and actions, and I hate that you cause me to lose control. And you're still not satisfied, right?"

My voice is getting harder and harder, but I'm not angry at first, just very confused. Just one person, why do you make so many scars in my heart? No matter how I try to forget. And try to repeat to myself that what happened is something I can't accept...

But I was asking for it more and more and thinking about it andfeeling it. Until I begin to fear that this will go too deep, and I will start tothink only about the touch of Kinn's hands on me.

"Porsche...I get it...You probably hate how you feel now, right?" I let his warm palms gently stroke my face.

"Why must I be like this!? I never before felt myself to be so pitiful."
A sensation of weakness bursts in my heart. I feel disgusted and don't like itat all. But if I continue to resist, I will suffer further like this. I have to admit that I could never erase my feelings from that day.

And those feelings just get stronger...more and more every day.  From what I used to think that I hated, it turns out I'm craving more of it...why did I have to be like this?

"It was terrible that day, right?" Kinn moves his face closer to mine.

With one hand clasping the back of my neck, he allows our foreheads to bump.

"Yeah...it's bad...but the guilt and feelings never leave me." The tip of Kinn's nose brushes the tip of mine.

The feeling right now is likeI'm trying to find the answer to myself—who am I, really? The more I feel Kinn's light, warm breath against my face, the more I tremble. It reinforces my feelings...how bad is this to my state of mind? It makes me remember that day, not forget. Though it is difficult to admit it, the feeling of warmth, excitement, and agitation continues to penetrate into my guarded feelings.