"For the ocean is endless, just like my love for you. Endlesslys yours."
- Anten Rodgen
"The ocean is forever there, it will be there for every death and every life. Thats why I love it. It will never leave you. Only you can leave it."
-Briella Pa...
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"Nightmares are your mind's way of telling you, you are not fearless."
Sleep is lovely until it isn't.
Nightmares never want to go away, so it becomes harder to drift away from the world when you think your gonna wake up sweating and scared out of your mind. It becomes harder to let sleep take you away.
Nightmares are your mind's way of telling you, you are not fearless.
I've had nightmares since everything with my mom and dad began to happen. They use to be as frequent as every night, but now they only happen about one to two times a week. Still, I have a hard time sleeping. I look over at the clock on my right to see it's 1:43 am. I'm standing in my kitchen looking out the window, at the ocean and stars. I have this deep pull to go down to the ocean, but I stay where I am. I can't risk going into the ocean, and not coming back. My life has finally started to become better. I just hope that Anten isn't weirded out by me. I know he probably isn't, because he helped me learn to swim AND surf in the same evening. To me would sound kinda impossible, but he got it down apparently.
I know now that I can swim much better, that I could swim in the ocean and come back out, but it was hard as it was going in with someone, and I don't think I'm ready to go at it alone. I can't leave just yet. I still have stuff I want to accomplish. A lot of the stuff that I wanted to accomplish has already been done in two weeks. I can't wrap my head around all that I have accomplished with the help and guidance of Anten, it would have taken me years to get there alone. It took me 19 years to learn how to swim. I was very ashamed of the fact that at the age of 19 I couldn't swim, it wasn't normal, and you're probably wondering what I would have to have been taught when I was younger. I mean I lived off the coast of California by the damn beach. I would have had to learn how to swim eventually.
Well I'll tell you this, the night when I went to end it all, the waves were too strong for my weak body, and even so, I was trying to end it, not survive it, so I didn't put all my strength into it, and afterward, I was so traumatized, that I didn't think twice about never going in again. Now, every time I try and face my fears, they keep coming back stronger, it happened for so long, I forgot how to swim entirely.
When I'm with Anten something weird happens in my chest, I've never felt anything like it before. I've felt something familiar to this whenever I'm around Ronella, but this feeling is stronger. More intense. More... I don't know, sweet. Making my heart do literal flips whenever I'm around him.
Yawning I look back at the clock, 1:52 am. Wow, time can't go by fast enough.
I trudge up to my bedroom. It was dark, but I kept the lights off anyways, I've been in my room long enough to know where everything is. I slowly climb into my bed before letting sleep drift me into my nightmares.
