"For the ocean is endless, just like my love for you. Endlesslys yours."
- Anten Rodgen
"The ocean is forever there, it will be there for every death and every life. Thats why I love it. It will never leave you. Only you can leave it."
-Briella Pa...
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"I wish I could feel the love I feel for others."
My dad was the best. Until he wasn't. See when he left, my mother spiraled and life just got worse. When he did leave, I had no clue where we were going or what his intentions were. Or if he would ever come back for me.
I stayed up late most nights by the front door hoping my dad would knock on the door to take me to a safer place. He never came. He never even sent letters.
I never knew where he went. Til today. "I found your dad." my mother said as she leaned against the kitchen counter. It was 3 in the afternoon, and my mother was standing there. Am I dreaming? I must be dreaming, because there is no way my mom, MY mom is talking to ME.
I pinch myself, but then quickly rub the spot because I definitely was not dreaming. Pinching yourself is something I do not recommend.
"Umm, okay," I say quietly. I am still in complete shock. "I know I've never been the greatest, but I thought you would want to see him or talk to him, I have his address in this envelope, you can do what you want with it." She placed the envelope in my hands and walked off. Shutting her bedroom door, my mom was gone once more.
I looked down at the letter. My dad's address. I think about all the possible outcomes of visiting him. He could kick me out, call the police, or yell at me. He could also hug me, and tell me how much he missed me. The cons outweigh the pros, but it's my dad. He loves me.
Doesn't he?
| <3 |
"I say go for it," Anten says as I sit on my bed with him on the phone. I called him as soon as I knew I was safely in my bedroom.
I haven't gotten to the point of how I got his address, but Anten hasn't asked me about it. "What if he never wants to see my face again?" I say. I don't know why I've been overthinking this so much. I just never thought I would even have the chance to see my dad again, more or less actually meet him.
"It's okay Bri, calm down, you have time to make up your mind, you don't even have to decide today." He's right, but he's also wrong. I have all the time I need, but by then my overthinking would have taken over and I would never meet my dad again.
"Thanks, beach boy, I think I know what I'm going to do," I say. I hear him huff a laugh. "I thought I told you I hated that nickname." He says. It's my turn to laugh. "Yeah well, I kinda like it on you," I say. "Besides Ant, was kinda getting old, also do you really want your nickname to be after a bug?" I question. Anten doesn't answer, which is all the answer I need. "I know what I'm going to do now, so I'll call you later."
We quickly say goodbye and I get dressed.
| <3 |
When Ronny said I needed to continue living my life on my own, I did not think this would be happening. I opened up the letter and typed my dad's address into my maps as soon as I got dressed, and took an uber to his house that's 1 and a half hours away, so I hope it's worth it.
I'm standing outside supposedly at my dad's address. Not going to lie, I look like a stalker. I feel like a stalker. I mean it's my DAD for goodness' sake! Come on Bri, just go up there and ring the doorbell. You're never going to get another chance.
You need to start being an adult for once. Throwing away those other thoughts I rushed up to the porch and rang to doorbell before I could even think twice about it. Regret runs through me as soon as I comprehend what I just did. I have never in my life been that stupid- "Can I help you?"
My thoughts, my body, and my feelings are all frozen as I look at my dad. "Dad?" I whisper. "Excuse me?" The tall man with blonde hair, my hair, and blue eyes, that look exactly like mine says. My dad is tall as I remember, except his hair is grayer than blonde. "Oh um I'm sorry, you probably don't remember me, my name is Briella, and my mom is Katherin. Umm, you left us, me when I was 9." I say with a shaky voice.
I know it seemed stupid to secretly hope my dad would have been waiting for me to find him for 10 years, and that he would have been happy to see me. I look back up at the man I call my dad and see that he has no emotion on his face. He closes his eyes and closes the door behind him. He opens his eyes and stares at me.
"Hello, Briella. I do remember you, but you need to leave." Those words hurt more than any slap I've ever received from, my mother. Those words put a spear through my heart. "But, I'm your daughter. I have been waiting for you to see me, to send a letter, anything for 10 years, and you tell me to leave?! That's not fair." I don't remember how I went from a shaky voice to full-blown yelling at this man in front of me, tears streamed down my face. Why was I crying I barely knew the man standing in front of me. "I know it's not and I am sorry, but I left to start a new life for myself, I needed to get away from your mother." He said, but his eyes shone a little bit of the pain he just caused me. "Why didn't you take me with you if you knew how bad she was, knew how messed up she is? Why did you leave your 9-year-old daughter with a woman like that?" I question.
My mother was some other sort of messed up. I still loved her, but I will never forgive her. So why did my dad think I would be better off with her? "You weren't any safer with her than you would have been with me. I wanted to take you, but your mom would have called the cops on me, she would have done worse if I had taken you. Trust me it hurt so much more leaving you there than finding out she cheated on me in the first place." He said.
This man thought that I wouldn't be safe with him. That I would be safer with her. "You could have sent me a letter or tried fighting for me, do you know what she does to me? She hits me, yells at me, I was abandoned by both my parents when you left."
I calmed down enough to wipe my tears. "But never mind that you have a family that's more important to you now. Don't fuck it up." I say and run off as soon as my feet hit the sidewalk.
I don't bother calling an uber until I'm far enough away I can't even see his house. My dad had the audacity to think I was better off with my mom than I was with him. He didn't even bother sending me anything to let me know he was okay, and that he still cared about me.
I don't blame my dad for leaving my mom, I blame him for leaving me.
| <3 |
When I finally got home I ran up to my room and cried. I cried and cried until I could no longer think straight. I hate my dad, I hate my mom, but more importantly, I hate myself. I hate my life. Why was I cursed with such a shitty life?
Everyone I love leaves me, and my parents are even worse. What sort of people leaves their kids to defend themself? What sort of parent leaves? What did I do wrong? Why? I wish I could feel the love I feel for others. I sit up and look out my window. The ocean sits there longingly. Its blue waters hit the surface and wash away the footprints of the people before it. The sun begins to set, the ocean consuming it along the way.
