The Waves of You

Why me?

"Whatever happends, we'll go through it together."

I don't really know how long I've been sitting on this couch.

Alone.

Always alone.

Anten told me he would be back tomorrow morning to check on me. I don't even remember the date. I think today's a Tuesday, or maybe yesturday was actually a Tuesday. I know it's January, something. My mother is gone. Maybe it's the 28th? Or the 29th? My mother is never coming back. Or is it the 6th? I can't remember anything anymore. What if I forget my name? What comes next? My mother is dead. She is dead. I feel dead on the inside.

I feel paralyzed, like I can't move anything. I can't even think straight. I can't even render words. Nothing comes to my mind.

I'm dead inside.

I wish I could see her again. Maybe say an actually goodbye, tell her I love her, tell her how much she means to be, and that even though she made mistakes, that she will always be my mom. Always. I don't even feel it when the tears start, I don't remember if they ever even stopped since that day in the hospital. She died so quickly. Like her life didn't matter.

It all feels like a blur. Memories I can never get back. Memories that can never be made. I look out into the ocean. Anten deserves better. He took me home from the hospital and helped me fall asleep. He stay'd with me for the next couple of days, until school started again.

My professors found out what happened, and told me I can take as long as I need, but I need to be back before the end of the 9 weeks. I don't know how long it's been.

Anten has been around less and less, I don't blame him though, he deserves to be around someone who will lift him up, and not me who's just going to sit in the same spot all day. I look out into the ocean once more. The blue waters have turned black, and the calming waters have turned into rapid waves crashing into the shore. It's a beautiful kind of ugly. Deahtly kind of ugly.

I stand up and walk outside onto the porch.

The white proch. I remember the day we painted it. It use to be an ugly brown color, but my mom conviced my dad to change the color to white. My dad and I had gone to the store and pick out the perfect color. We spent all afternoon painting it, well my dad did. I painted shapes and swiggles along the railing. I smile at the memory, but that smile fades as soon as it appeared.

I will never experience that again.

I use to think that there might be hope that one day my dad woud come back, and I would finally get to see the side of my mom I've longed for. That day is never going to come. I walk down the stairs onto the sand. It's wet and mushy beneath my feet. Every step I take leaves a footprint in it's wake.

Closer and closer to the edge.

I look out onto the blackness of the ocean. How could something so beautiful, be so deathly? I keep walking. Soon enough I'm knee deep into the ocean.

The water is cold, yet soothing. I keep walking. Deeper and deeper. Until the blackness swallows me hole. Until there is nothing left.

Until I am nothing.

"Everything will be okay."

"Briella!" I scream her name. I came back, because I left my jacket and found she wasn't where she normally is. Thats when I looked out the window and saw she was walking into the ocean when a storm is about the strike. "Briella!"

I scream again.

I'm by the oceans edge. I keep walking, looking for any sign of her. She has to be here somewhere, she can't be gone. She promised she wouldn't leave me. She can't. I walk deeper and deeper. That's when I spot her. "Briella." I gasp out in relief. I grab her arms and hoist her up into my arms. Carrying her back to shore, I lay her on the sand. "Come on Briella." I listen to her heart, it's still beating. I let a breath I didn't know I was holding go. I learned cpr when I worked as a lifegaurd when I was 16. "Come on Bri. Please." I say. I then hear coughing sounds and notice that it was Bri, she was okay.

"Oh my god you scared me." I say as I help her sit up to let her finish coughing up water. Shes breathing fast and looks around with worried eyes. When her eyes find mine she relaxes a little. "Bri. What were you thinking." I ask her. I want to give her some time to relax and take a breath, but the words just kinda slipped. She looks down, disappointed in herself. "I couldn't take it anymore. The numbness, the tiredness, the depression, it all was to much. I ruin everything." She tells me. I look at her in surprise which makes her even more shocked. "That is not true at all Briella Park. You are the kindest person I know. You don't ruin anything, if anything you make it better. If it became to much why didn't you call me?" I say.

I don't know whats happening, but this is not the Bri I know. "I don't want to be a burden you to anymore." She tells me softly, almost so quitly I didn't render what she said for the first second or so. "You are not a burden. You are a person who has been through hell and back, but please don't give up on me. Please." I beg. I can see the tiredness in her eyes. The feeling of being completely done with life. "Okay." she says, her throat still sounds dry, and her eyes are tired. Her soul is tired. "Hey, we can go through whatever your going through together I promise." I reassure her.

"Everything will be okay."

| <3 |

Thank you for reading.

-Sydney (A simple story goes a long way)