Beyond This Fucked Up World [choi yeonjun]

Chapter Twenty Seven - Truth Or Dare

I recalled the words, the sentence in my head. I questioned if it was real and if he really just asked me that, or if it was just another voice in my head that told me things that were the most absurd to say right now.

My eyes were locked onto Soobin's face and I stared at him with a serious yet quite shocked gaze. I didn't know what to say to him.

It was true what I said. Nothing would change, even if I would admit my feelings for him. I already decided before I knew there even was a choice. But still I couldn't say it. I was scared that maybe something would change, our friendship or my relationship to the others. To Yeonjun. If they would ever find out.

"No." I said with a clear voice.

Soobin looked away with his lips pressed into a thin line. A feeling of regret came over me and I considered changing my mind, but I knew that it would only bring more chaos. I got a sense of discomfort when looking at Soobin. He felt sorrow, disappointment and discomfort, like me.

I wanted to go, wanted to flee into a room where Soobin wasn't in. Or anyone else. I felt as if I disappointed not only Soobin but everyone else. How dare I hurt Soobin, how dare I be such an asshole to him? I should go.

Soobin still didn't look me in the eye and just stared at the ground with a disappointed sigh leaving his mouth. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, nervously biting my lip while staring at Soobin's feet.

I noticed him moving after what felt like more than a minute. He pushed himself off the wall he leaned on and I let my eyes wander up to his gaze. He still looked disappointed, but his eyes sparkled more apologetic to me now than upset. Was he sorry for himself? For liking someone like me? Was he ashamed of that?

Soobin glimpsed at me for the last time before walking into the kitchen and out the back door into the small garden of Beomgyu's house, all while his head hanging low and scratching the back of his head.

I gulped at the sight of the empty kitchen behind me. I should leave this hallway too. It made me uncomfortable standing here at this place where I just broke Soobin's heart. Maybe in the bathroom upstairs, my luck won't follow me.

My feet lead me to the staircase right next where Soobin stood just now. I walked up the stairs and past Beomgyu's room into the bathroom opposite. I closed the door with a trembling hand and trudged over to the bathroom sink.

I placed the glass with my alcoholic drink on the sink, only now realizing that I had held it in my hand the whole time. It was wet and my hand was sweaty.

I lifted my head up to the mirror and looked at myself. My gaze was mixed with regret and sadness. My hands propped themselves up at the edges of the sink while I concentrated on my appearance.

I regret saying no to him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted it so much. But no matter what I would have said, one person would have been hurt by it. Either when I said yes, I would have hurt Yeonjun, or when I said no, I hurt Soobin.

Hurting people was common for me. Either I do it unintentionally or not.

I stared into my eyes and watched as my pupils went smaller and smaller. My eyes examined my face. My cheeks, my lips, my brows. Focusing on my hair, I noticed the blue dye starting to fade away a little. There were a few hair strands looking a lighter blue than it should be.

My mouth let out a sigh. I lifted up my left hand to my face and wiped away the wetness on my cheek. My face didn't stay dry for long and I reached both hands to my eyes and pressed my palms against them. I inhaled slowly and took in the air into my lungs, filling them up with more anxiety and regret and self-hatred.