Beyond This Fucked Up World [choi yeonjun]

Chapter Forty Two - The Boy Who I Love Most

[7. October 2022]

Sunbeams struck my skin as I stood outside on the gravel pitch. I stared at the swimming pool building and at the many windows, some glass was smashed and some glass held itself steady in the frames.

I had looked at this building many times, but this was the first time that I looked at it and felt compassionate about it. This building was just like me, worn down, abandoned, probably felt bad for not having done any good for the people it was supposed to make happy.

My fingers scratched my left hand, then proceeded to scratch my other hand. Since the porcelain from my old workplace cut into my skin, little scars remain on my palms. They didn't hurt, but they itched a little when I was nervous. And I was incredibly nervous.

I had thought about where he could be, unraveled the places where it was most possible for him to hang around and deciphered what best to say to him. With one thing I succeeded. His car stood right behind me, parking at the very spot where it always stood.

I walked over to the window at the bottom right of the left side of the building, the entrance we or they always use. I put my hands on the window frame to prop myself and jumped inside with one knee placing itself on the frame too. I pulled my other knee up as well and didn't hesitate when pushing myself up with my hands to get up from the ground.

I wiped the dirt off my pants and cleaned my hands. It was the first time that I got inside the swimming pool myself. It wasn't that I couldn't have done it on my own, Yeonjun just always helped me because he's a decent person, not like me.

I lifted my head and looked at the smaller swimming pool in the middle of the room. There he was, sitting on the racks behind the small pool, looking down at his hands in absence. I couldn't decipher the expression he had on his face. Fully focused on his thumb rubbing the palm of his left hand, brows slightly furrowed that it seemed like he looked sad and angry simultaneously. The sight of him looked kind of lonely.

My feet didn't want to make the first move. I was stuck at the place I stood in right now, staring at the boy who was not yet aware of my presence. But when I saw a little twitch from his brows, seeming like something hurtful came into his mind, my body unfroze from its paralyzed state and moved forward.

I tiptoed past the large pool, didn't make any move to get inside or to get anywhere near him. I wondered how long it would take for him to notice me, hoping he really just didn't ignore me. Almost halfway past the large pool, he lifted his head up and looked at me.

There was nothing in his expression except for boredom. He didn't look upset or angry at all, but he also didn't look sad or disappointed. Every part of his gaze showed boredom towards me and I didn't know if that was relieving or worrisome. Was he even surprised that I stood there or was he expecting me to come here?

Yeonjun didn't say a thing to me and I did the same. I knew I am the one to start talking, after all I was the one to come here and apologize. But my throat was constricted with words, words that I couldn't form into sentences.

He stared at me like he didn't even expect me to start talking, not even a look that told me to piss off. He just...stared at me. He looked at every part of my face and probably had a lot of questions. Or none at all.

Maybe it were the dark circles under my eyes or my pale skin that caught his eyes especially. Or maybe it was my body swaying slightly back and forth as the sun shined at me immensely, reminding me that I was severely dehydrated and hungry. My wide open eyes looking at him make it look as if I didn't even notice or care about this appearance of mine. And I really didn't, thinking about how I lived like this for almost three weeks now.