Beyond This Fucked Up World [choi yeonjun]

Chapter Thirty Four - That Miserable Feeling

I didn't turn around again or bothered to even think about doing it. I just drove and drove, trying to compensate for my quickly beating heart by driving my bike as fast as I could. It didn't help. It didn't help at all.

I was panting and gasping, but not because I had used up my stamina, but because that tense feeling began to eat me up from the inside out. It wasn't bearable and my legs were starting to get weaker with every step on the pedals.

My lungs were empty, but my head didn't allow my body to breathe in any oxygen. Everything around me turned blurry and quivery. My grip around the handlebars were so tight that I feared my knuckles would tear out of my skin.

Suddenly, I heard a loud thunder in the sky. Only then I realized the big, dark gray cloud right above me that was starting to get too heavy for the gravity to hold up. I sensed a drop of rain on my naked arm and another one on my forehead.

Slowly, it began to pour with rain and it was the same moment my legs began to stop working. With one hop from the bicycle saddle, my feet landed on the ground. I continued to walk up the small slope up until I reached the interstate road, where I crouched down for a little breather.

I couldn't do this anymore. All this talking and discourse about Soobin. All of everything that gets associated with Sunoo all of the time. I had enough of this. Why couldn't it stop? Why couldn't I flee from my past? Why, why, why?

The rain became heavier and the sky darkened. Small raindrops that landed on my head and clothes began to thicken and drench my body. A few wet hair strands appeared in front of my eyes, but I didn't bother to tuck them behind my ears.

I got up from my crouching position again and stared at my hands gripping the handlebars of my bike as if I was strangling them to death. I could see the raindrops dripping down the back of my hands, falling on the gray cement of the street that was already completely darkened by the rain.

I tilted my head to look where the road was heading to. To my left side was nothing but a straight line heading to nothing I guess. There were only a few trees and a large field full of corn and grass. When looking to the right, I saw almost exactly the same except that there were no trees at the side of the road and in the distance I could already see the city, where my imaginary laundry was waiting for me.

My feet brought me forward again and I crossed the street to the other side. I pushed my bike beside me whilst the rain soaked my clothes, my hair and my entire body. I didn't care. Actually, it was the least bad thing happening to me right now.

Even to think about all that was bothering me right now, made me want to stay in the rain even longer. I deserved that. I couldn't care less about getting sick, getting a lung inflammation or some stupid shit. Some more investigation towards Soobin's problem and the others probably wished the same for me than I did right now to myself.

And even though the rain was cold and refreshing, the torturing heat in my body was draining my inner out, leaving me like a clump of cramped up misery. My throat was scratchy and dried out, probably because every drop of water was coming out of my eyes now.

I started to cry. I was uncontrollably sobbing and it didn't seem to end. Everything was so complicated and nerve-wracking. I wished that the heavy rain was my only problem right now. I wished the rain would make me happy again, but it only made me realize that this much water couldn't heal my withered self. I was so pathetic.

My head started to hurt, a headache followed by my heavy sobbing noises. How could I care? I was the only one on the empty road and no one was coming to this abandoned place anyway.

At some point my mind shut down and the only thing I focused on was the rain falling on me and my hands aching from the tight grip around my bike. Other things, the throbbing of my eyes, the strained feeling of my cheeks and lips, the severe headache, they were there, but what could I do? It wasn't as if stopping to sob would solve any of it.