Beyond This Fucked Up World [choi yeonjun]

Chapter Forty One - I'm A Loser

[3. October 2022]

A headache spread through me. I didn't want to open my eyes. The sun was too bright and the headache would worsen. But there was no other way. I peeked between my half open eyelids and glared directly at the window filled with sunbeams. The headache worsened.

I didn't want to stand up. My body feels heavy and my legs feel wobbly. When I stand up, my head would turn off for a few seconds before it would turn itself on again. My body forced me to lay down again, but I couldn't do what it demanded.

It was like every other day since... . Since what? Since I ruined everything? Since I saw his tortuous look glaring at me? Since I saw their disappointed expressions, telling me how terrible I am?

It felt like my life ended when I exited the funfair that night. I couldn't even remember when or how I went home. I just did. And after that my days felt the exact same. Agonising, torturous, numb, pernicious.

I wake up. I lay in my bed. I cry. I sob. I try to sleep. I stare at the wall. I listen to my stomach begging me for food. I feel nauseous while thinking about food. I cry again. I look at the clock. I try to sleep. I cry. I sob. I fall asleep.

Every single day was the same. And it repeated itself, every day. It never seemed to end.

I wake up. I lay in my bed. I cry. I sob. I try to sleep. I stare at the wall. I listen to my stomach begging me for food. I feel nauseous while thinking about food. I cry again. I look at the clock. I try to sleep. I cry. I sob. I fall asleep.

Sometimes I even cried because of how my life was now. Because of all the nothingness and suffering. But the one thing I never questioned was if I deserved all this. Because I certainly did. And because of that, I felt worse than ever. I felt worse than when Sunoo left me.

I look at the clock. My shift will start at 8am. There was still an hour left to do everything. Get up, wash up, dress up. When I've done these things and went down to the basement, I wondered how quick I was with getting all this down in less than thirty minutes. It felt like my mind skipped this part of my day, couldn't cope with the sudden back to life mentality.

I was on sick leave for the last two weeks. I wouldn't have been able to look Kai in the eyes after what happened at the funfair. I still wasn't able to do that. But either I will go to work now or quit my job. I already knew what disadvantage it would bring me if I quit my job again.

I locked my bicycle at the bike stand in front of the café shop. I took my time doing it, fake struggling with the locker so as to not have to go in earlier. It wouldn't change anything. He would still hate me. The disappointment in his gaze terrified me the most.

I turned around, peeked through the window into the shop and saw him. Kai stood bent over the coffee machine waiting for the coffee to be ready to serve. I only saw his back, but that was enough for my throat to lace up and my heart to beat extremely faster. I could feel how my body couldn't handle the anxious feeling that was coming up, it was too weak by now.

I pushed open the door with two hands, hearing the bell ring above me as I entered my workplace. My eyes avoided Kai's gaze, if he even looked at me right now. I slouched to the back room and put my apron on. I took my time with that as well.

My hand clutched the handle of the door back to the café shop. My hand was sweating. I don't need to greet him. I could just keep standing at the checkout and avoid his gaze. It was that easy.

I opened the door and made my way to the checkout. Kai was gone to serve the coffee to an older lady in the back of the café. I glimpsed in his direction multiple times to know when I would start avoiding him. He looked up.