This Is Going To Suck. (Sam fan fiction)

Worthless

(Hey guys! Warning some angst coming up :D<3 I don't think its too bad dw)

A hard smack to the nose woke me up. I quickly sat up and looked around only to see Arson sitting beside me. He meowed before hopping off of the bed and trotting over to his food bowl. "You couldn't let me nap for a bit longer?" I sighed as I got up and filled his bowl.

He purred happily as I scratched behind his ear while he ate. "This morning Mae told me you cuddled with her last night? That's so cute." I spoke to the cat as if he'd respond.

Once he was done chewing loudly he walked towards the bathroom and I assumed he was about to use the litter box.

I got up from my seat beside his bowl and walked over to my bed. I found my phone and checked the time. "Oh shit." I noticed it was almost 2, the time we all decided to meet at the lake. I opened up my messages to check the group chat when I saw a message from an unknown number.

"Oh?"

I sat on my bed and decided to read it, maybe it was something important?

Unknown- "you must think you're sooo hot. Posting all those photos of yourself on Haley's blog?"

Extremely confused, I decided to reply back. A small ball of anxiety began forming in the pit of my stomach.

Rose- "what? I'm sorry, who is this?"

Unknown- "it must feel soooo good having all those comments complimenting your body, huh?"

Rose- "what? What comments? Seriously, who is this? This isn't funny."

Unknown- "if they knew what an ugly fat pig you really were then they wouldn't be saying those things. You disgust me."

I stared down at my phone in absolute shock. Who the hell would text me saying shit like that?? For my own sake I decided to stop replying and feeding into their hate. I set my phone to the side and walked over to my closet and grabbed my bathing suit.

It was almost two so I did my best to change as fast as I could. I grabbed my phone to text the group chat I was on my way when I saw 10 new messages from the unknown number.

Unknown- "oh you have nothing to say now you bitch?"

Unknown- "the fact you edit those photos you post is so fucking funny. Do you hate yourself that much? Shit if I looked like you I would too."

Unknown- "I don't know what you did to make everyone in this town love you, but it ends now."

Unknown- "I won't let you spread lies and manipulate the people here anymore. You're fucking revolting."

Unknown- "what you don't have anything to say? You know I'm fucking right."

Unknown- "god Sam really lowered his standards to date an ugly whore like you, huh?"

Unknown- "how does it make you feel waking up everyday and seeing how fugly you are in the mirror?"

(Tw of self harm and homophobia coming up! Read at your own discretion! )

Unknown- "you probably used to cut yourself you ugly emo cunt."

Unknown-"you and your faggot friend should go back to wherever you fucking came from."

Unknown- "no one wants you here. You're worthless. just kys already"

I stared down at my phone as it began shaking in my hand. I hadn't noticed the fact my eyes began to water.

How could another human even say such vile things to someone else? I powered off my phone and tried to calm down my breathing.

'It's just some random asshole saying mean shit to get to you. It's not true. You haven't manipulated the people of the town to like you.'

'You're a good person.'

Their comment on my past self harm really stuck with me. I had never cut myself, but for a long time in the beginning of highschool I wouldn't eat. I used to starve myself due to my crippling self hatred that led to an ED.

With the help of the people around me and a lot of therapy I was able to get better.

But now this? Who would even say that kind of thing?

I wiped away the few tears that had rolled down my cheeks. And walked into the bathroom to make sure my eyes weren't too puffy.

'They're just lying. You deserve Sam.'

'No. They're right. You're a worthless pig.'

'What? No.'

I stared at myself in the mirror, shocked that such a thought crept into my mind. It had been a long time since I last had that mindset. I wouldn't let it overtake me again. I may not deserve Sam, but he loves me and I love him.

'What if he's just using you?'

'No he loves me.'

'Remember what happened with your last boyfriend? He used you for your ugly and pathetic body.'

I was completely baffled at the self hatred fuel thoughts flooding into my mind. No way. Not again.

My mind battled with the small negative, self hatred filled voice that slowly started to get louder. The fact it brought up a memory I had completely forced myself to forget...

'That didn't count. He was an asshole. That relationship didn't count. It doesn't matter.'

'You can't say what didn't count. He used you and so is Sam. Why else would he stay with an ugly pig like you?'

My eyes wandered down to look at my body and a wave of my past body dysmorphia flooded into my mind. As I stared at myself I felt an overwhelming sense of disgust.

'No no no. Why? I thought I got over this...' I felt tears running down my face again as I rushed out of the bathroom. I slammed the door and quickly walked over to my bed.

I laid down with my face towards the wall. As I stared at the wall I did my best to calm down my breathing and prevent any more negative self worth thoughts. At this point I had completely forgotten about the texts that had sparked these thoughts. I felt as if I was transported back into the mind of my teenage self.

It was horrible.

The word 'worthless' seemed to echo in my mind.

My mind was brought back to those texts and I began thinking, maybe they are right. Whoever they are. Maybe somehow I had tricked everyone into liking me.

Maybe Sam didn't actually love me. He was using me- no. He would never. I must have somehow manipulated someone like him into liking someone like me.

After all, I'm just worthless.

I felt my whole body trembling as I tightly clutched onto one of my pillows. At some point Atson had hopped on the bed and was rubbing his face against my curled up legs. My mind had no room to think about him at that moment. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

My breathing continued to be erratic and I realized I was having an anxiety attack. Tears continued to fall down my cheeks as I realized what an idiot I was.

How could I let some random person's texts get to me? Why was I letting them have such a hold over me? I'm such an idiot. They're right, I'm a worthless bitch that overreacts to everything. 

(Can you guess who it is?)