*1* Saint

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"Finally, I understood what pain means. Pain does not mean being spanked until you pass out. Nor does it mean having your foot cut open with a glass shard so that the doctor has to stitch it. Pain only starts when our whole heart hurts and seems we feel that we are about to die because of it, and on top of that, we can't tell anyone our secret. Pain makes us unable to move either our arm or leg, or even twist our heads on the pillow. "
- José Mauro de Vasconcelos

 "- José Mauro de Vasconcelos

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At night do beautiful how could happen something so painful?

I never thought before that I'll come to this point where I have to choose between safety of someone important for me and my own dreams. How could I forget, who I was and where I've been working for past 2 years? Here, in BL industry there's no place for mistakes like having friends or feelings. But I had friend, I had someone, who was very close to me. I was telling him almost everything. I thought our friendship is strong enough to survive every storm. I trusted him, I'd give him my life. Maybe I was too naive.

This one little message from my boss broke me. This was something what put the end to something that I believed will never end.

I knew Zee for more than year already, but I felt like I knew him forever. We played main characters in BL series and loved to joke about this. We've been teasing each other, but all what we did to one another, was only for fun, we never meant t hurt anyone. When we started working together, I felt that he is the person, who can understand me easily. He wasn't very open about himself, never shared too much information about his own life, he didn't liked to talk too much and usually if we wanted to find him, we knewz that we should search for him somewhere in quiet place. He loved to take books with himself and read with large cup of coffee next to him and some cake, usually chocolate cake.

This day was the last day of our work together. We finished promoting our BL series and P' told us that from now on we need to go separate ways. We didn't wanted this, we were friends and we were thinking about making our own channel on YouTube and our own talent school, where we could meet talented young people, who were ready to take the challenge and work in enteraintment industry. We wanted to play in another 2 or 3 series to gain more attention, more fans, more viewers, so we could get enough money to start our own company. We had a lot of plans together.

But this message ruined everything.

It was over before it even started.

"You do it or that fucking fagot dies. Choose ".

The words rang in my ears, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I knew P'Sky's brutality, I knew, he was sick and we all were scared. He was a monster, but devilishly cunning. He had the power over all of us. Knowing that I couldn't let him hurt my best friend.

"Sorry Zee, I'm really sorry, but we need to stop being friends, that's too much for me." I was practicing in front of the bathroom mirror what I wanted, or had to, say. I wasn't sure how to put it into words, how to play it to make him believe it. All I had to do was take on the role, get the job done, and sever all contact with Zee. I was told it was for the good of both of us. But I knew that this was only the way for P'Sky to control us. He had the power to make us happy or miserable, to make our lives easy or hellishly difficult. If you knew P'Sky, you knew also that it's better to stay silent and follow his orders, no matter how stupid they looked like.

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