Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*24* Annie

We gathered all our actors in the practice room, where they usually practiced their "dry" performances, sometimes with props.  I didn't speak at all, and P'Night spoke mostly Thai, which I still couldn't understand, and every now and then he would ask someone a question, the answers meticulously jotting down in his big notebook.

Each of us had a lot of documents in front of us, copies of the script (the actors got two versions: Thai and English, I only had English), candidates' applications.  P'Night wanted to see if the artists we had previously paired up would be able to accurately convey the mood of the scenes, so we spent a good three hours checking the ones we weren't sure about.

— P'Night, I'd like to see if Saint and Zee can work together.  I have a few places in my story where Lando has to talk to Pierre, let's give them an hour to prepare such a scene —  I suggested, remembering the conversation with Saint and also with Perth.  I had no idea why Perth was pushing me so hard to give Saint a chance, he said it would make him easier to watch.  Did he know something we didn't?  I wanted to ask him about it, but I lacked the courage, everything was still a completely new experience for me, even though I had been here for three days and my body was slowly getting used to it.  I yawned mightily, and to hide my tiredness and drowsiness, I reached for the drink in front of me and took a few gulps.  The day was very long, all I wanted to do was put my head on the pillow.  Usually watching Formula 1 races helped me fall asleep, probably because I remembered some of them very clearly, and the familiar voice of the commentator and the roar of the engines put me to sleep.

— All right.  I'm actually curious how they'll go.  When I worked with them previously, they were both very professional, but I understand that you want to check them out.

I nodded at him and motioned Saint and Zee to the center of the room.  I saw Max and Perth staring at both of them as if expecting an earthquake or some sort of explosion.  Fortunately, P'Night was right, they both behaved very professionally.  Although, before Zee approached Saint, he ostentatiously leaned over New and loudly asked him to wish him good luck, looking into his eyes.  New nodded with a sweet smile.

— Good luck, hia.

Even from this distance (Nu and Zee took their seats at the very back, right next to the props cabinet) I could see that there was only warmth, understanding and pure love in the boy's gaze.  And as recently as two months ago, I was afraid that they were just pretending that they were doing it for their careers, for money, because "BL  now is on top and it's the best career path." I was glad that I was wrong.  For such couples, everything was much more difficult, societies in many countries still could not accept such relationships, and they themselves must have been much stronger, perhaps that is why the feeling between them was so strong?  It was harder for them to make it happen.

Last night, when I was talking privately with New, he'd told me something I'd basically expected, but it still surprised me.

— Doesn't it hurt when you have to watch your loved one kiss someone else? Don't you feel jealous?

— Of course it's not easy, but I know it's our job.  Besides, I trust Zee, and he trusts me.  I think that's what all relationships should be based on: trust.  And in conversations.  If there is a problem, it should be discussed with the other person, instead of jumping to conclusions and being offended or worse, adding something to each other that can lead to a situation where we hurt each other.

Nu was very mature, approached everything the way he should, taught me what I needed most.  I was the opposite of him: I always did something first and then thought about it, and because I could think a lot and had a developed imagination, I often came to the wrong conclusions and that caused my problems.  New made me rethink my life and I saw that in many situations I was the one who let myself be provoked.  After all, I got kicked out of school for hitting a rich kid, and I did it because I was sick of hearing that I shouldn't show my scars in public (it hurt me, still hurts, but I try not to do it again) or tell everyone around me  that I like women.  But I was so proud of myself back then!  I felt empowered knowing I had the courage to say I was LGBT+.  Maybe I shouldn't have hit him then, maybe then I wouldn't have had to drop out of a fairly good school...