Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*52* NuNew

Accepting who I am and what I like has never been difficult for me. I have always felt the support of my parents and I knew that if them and my closest friends accept me for who I am then I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks. But on the day when I was going to say it publicly, I couldn't.

Self-acceptance for me is not only admitting openly to myself that I am who I am, but also telling the truth to others and seeing who can understand and accept it without judging me. But that's always the case: people judge others: if we take heterosexual couples, for example, where there is a big age gap between them, they can almost be sure that there will be someone who doesn't like it, who will try to prove how inappropriate that is. Or when a doctor falls in love with his patient. It's wrong, it's unforgivable, it can't be like this! Truth...?

But we have no control over who we fall in love with. We can pretend we don't feel anything, we can tell ourselves it's nothing. But we won't run away from ourselves.

That's why it was so hard for me to just say that me and Zee are a real couple, that we're not just a ship, although that's where it all started. Aside from the sexuality of both of us, there's also the age difference: according to some, I'm too young for Zee and we're not a good match. Some say that a relationship with me will destroy Zee's life, because he would probably want to start a family soon, and for me it will be too early.

I always accepted who I was, I knew that I was different from my peers, but it didn't bother me, I was rather proud of myself. But that was before I met my Zee. Now it dawned on me that this wasn't just about me, it was about both of us, about Zee as well, about how our confession would affect our future together and his own.

Accepting yourself is one thing, but letting those around you not accept you is a whole other level of bravery and courage, and I'm not sure I can do that. I don't want to force Zee into anything. I know he's doing it for me because he saw (he must have noticed) how excited I was about it, how much I wanted to do it. Only that... Only the truth is a bit different: sometimes I wanted to shout the truth about myself to the whole world, and other times I wanted to keep this knowledge to myself. I hesitated, it was never an easy decision, especially since I knew I was dragging Zee into it too.

At this moment, I just wanted to hug him and run away with him somewhere far away, where it would be just the two of us, beautiful beach, sun and tasty food, I didn't need more to be happy. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that I wasn't doing this just for myself. I thought about Firstt and what Annie said about one of the scenes in The Eclipse where First and Khaotung played the lead couple.

- That scene is very well acted.- Annie complimented First, patting him friendly on the shoulder. We were sitting in his room at the house where he and Khao lived and watching their show together. First just got back from another chemo and wasn't feeling well, and we had a little hiatus from filming our show because other characters in our story had to film their scenes during that time. Me, Annie, Khao, Off, Gun, Ohm Pawat and Nanon stretched out to get a good view of the big TV screen in front of us. Off and Gun brought a whole host of snacks, and Ohm and Nanon provided tasty drinks. Annie handed each a can of RedBull. We decided to stay with the boys to keep them company. At first, First wasn't too happy about this, but since the house was mostly Khao's, it was up to him to make the final decision.

- That's right, excellent work guys - Off joined Annie's s praise. Gun was lying on a mattress on the floor with his head on Off's stomach, which looked very cute and I wished Zee was with me to cuddle up to him too. Fortunately, Annie showed up without Perth too, so I was able to rest my head on her shoulder undisturbed.

- By the way... First, tell me, but honestly, what made you play it so perfectly? Because it seems to me that there are only two possibilities: either you've seen someone close to you go through something like this, or... - She looked into our friend's eyes, and he gave her a weak but encouraging smile. - Or you experienced something like this yourself, that's why you understand the main character's feelings so well. How is it really?