Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*12* NuNew

I wasn't going to listen to him, whatever he had to say.  I covered my ears with my hands and ran away, running as fast as I could.  He's hurt me enough already.  I thought he would run after me, this is what happens in the movies.  But it wasn't a movie and I had to deal with it.  But why was I sad about it?  Do I really  want him to follow me?  To catch up with me?

No, definitely not.

If he caught me I'm pretty sure I'd give up, believe his every word.  Does that mean I've already lost my mind to him?  Why do I want to believe him so much?

I slowed down and walked slowly through the streets of Bangkok that were well known to me.  I passed people I didn't know and who didn't know me.  I was sure each of them had their own history, perhaps full of disappointments and lost hopes.  Some seemed happy.  I saw a young boy who was leading his girlfriend by the hand.  I thought about the fact that I would like to walk with Hia without any fear, and then I reflected that he doesn't feel anything towards me, that for him I'm just a job, a task to be done, the next step on the way to his great career.

I wanted to cry, but seeing the people around me, I refrained from doing it.  Instead, I walked into the nearest building.  It turned out to be a cinema.  Without hesitating for a long time, I bought a ticket for the movie that was about to start.  There were quite a few people in the audience, but no one paid any attention to me.  I took my seat and let the action of the film take me, although at the beginning I didn't see much, I couldn't focus, I was constantly reliving what had happened in P'Sky's office.

I was confused.  I pictured Zee as both a villain and a victim of a tragic misunderstanding.  In some of my imaginations, he did it because he liked to play with other people, treated us like his laboratory toys or rats on which he could experiment, and in others he had a specific reason that he didn't want to reveal for some reason.  Either way, his behavior hurt.  I'd like to go back to my room, wrap myself in the duvet, and stay in bed for another decade.  My heart felt heavy, as if someone had tied a ton of stone there.

I had bought popcorn before but couldn't swallow it now.

There was only one question in my head: „Why are you doing this to me?  Do I really mean so little to you, P'Zee?  We're not even friends, are we?  And I had you for my idol, I liked you from the very first moment, and now I can see that it is all just illusions.  I was fooled, I'm stupid and naive, right?  It's clear that someone like Zee Pruk, handsome, polite, outspoken, doesn't need someone like me, I'm just a stupid kid to him, he'll never see someone else in me.  And I was ready to follow him to the end of the world!  Stupid New, stupid!“

I did everything completely automatically and I didn't register in my mind the moment when I started eating my popcorn, I probably did it only to occupy my hands.  I was restless and lost.

"What's next?  - I thought.  - Should I just go back and record scenes with him tomorrow?  How?  Will I be able to refrain from showing him open aversion? "

* * *

I took my phone out of my pocket to check the time and saw that I had an email alert.  Very few people at all knew that I had a gmail account, even fewer knew the exact address, so it interested me.  I clicked on the notification and then a long message appeared in my eyes that I wanted to start reading right away.  I sat down on the nearest bench, right under some tree.

From: 746486singer@gmail.com

“New, I'd like to introduce myself, but for security reasons, I can't do this.  Forgive me if I bother you, but I just found out about your conversation with P'Sky.