Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*31* Zee Pruk

I looked at our picture together on my laptop screen and couldn't stop thinking about the future.  New was still very young, his future, his career and even his private life - all this was still ahead of him.  I was already thirty years old, a few more, and I will start to age, I'll stop looking so attractive, I will no longer get offers to play in series or movies as often as before.  Many times I'll be forced to sit alone at home while he works, travels around the world, performs in front of tens of thousands of people.  Will he love me then too?  Or maybe he will find someone younger, with better prospects?  Am I too old for him?

This has been bothering me almost from the beginning of our acquaintance.

I got up from my desk and started walking aimlessly around the house, which all of a sudden felt too big, empty, as if it lacked life, something essential.

It was true, Nu wasn't here.

I missed him and Nat sitting at the table in the back garden under the big, spreading old tree and singing while his friend played the guitar.  I missed how we rehearsed our performances together for his birthday concert.  I missed his sonorous laugh, bouncing off the smooth, still empty walls, on which he himself hung paintings he spotted in one of the shopping malls, depicting landscapes from around the world.  I missed the way he was slightly embarrassed (I guess he still wasn't used to it) kissing me lightly on the cheek and running away to classes at his university.

This house was his home too, though I had built it long before we met.  When designing, I looked through hundreds of different proposals from around the world and from each I chose something for myself.  The balcony on the first floor, just above the main entrance, was supported by white, narrow columns, at the very top ending in sculptures of lions.  A tunnel of climbing roses in all colors led to the garden.  The lawns were always mowed neatly and not a single weed could be seen.

Nu said he felt at ease, safe, and very comfortable here, often staying overnight, and his parents didn't mind.

When I thought about his parents, it was hard not to smile.  Not only did they raise him to be a decent man, but they also tried to understand him and accepted him for who he was.  Even when he introduced me as his boyfriend.  I was nervous before this meeting like never before.  As we got into the car to take us to his parents' house, I noticed that my body was shaking dangerously.  Nu saw it too and put his arm around me.

— There's nothing to be afraid of, P'Zee, my parents know I love you and they accept it.

He spoke in a soft, gentle, calm voice, as you would say to a child who is afraid of the dark or has just had a nightmare.  He cupped my face in his hands and kissed both my cheeks.

—It'll be okay, my parents will love you as much as I love you.

He never stopped saying it, as if he was afraid that if he stopped, I would doubt it.  But maybe he was right?  For if it were not so, would I consider myself too old for him?  We were only 9 years apart, but I couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that it was an abyss.  Although Nu was unusually grown up and mature even for his age.  Sometimes I thought I was the more childish of the two of us, but he didn't mind.

I went out into the garden and walked from the outside to the tunnel of roses.  Purple and burgundy just bloomed.  This tunnel was Nu's idea, he said it was very romantic.  The swan fountain in the center of the garden was also his idea.  At night, it could be illuminated with multi-colored lamps, which were cleverly hidden in the grass and the flower bed surrounding the fountain with asters and tulips, the bulbs of which I imported from the Netherlands especially for him.  There was nothing I wouldn't do for him.

I went home, made myself some coffee, and went back to the garden, taking my laptop and the script Annie had given me.

I thought about our future again.  We will all be working together for the next few months.  Among the people employed in the production of our series, I noticed Saint.  I shivered at the memory.  What did he want?  Why did he appear so suddenly after almost two years of silence?  I saw his hateful glare again before he lunged at me and started kissing me.  It still hurts.  I wondered if I should warn Nu not to talk to him, but I didn't want to limit him, I didn't want him to accuse me of being overprotective and trying to make some decisions for him.  Even if he becomes friends with Saint, I'll have to swallow this bitter pill somehow, but I'll keep a close eye on Saint.  Maybe he won't do something so irresponsible again, maybe he won't come between me and New.