Checkmate

Convention Part 2: Eye Candy

With a bag full of exciting things that all my friends insisted on me buying/buying for me (coughAlexcough), I made my way back to Stage Room 3. I was starting to get really nervous. I don't mind being on stage that much, which is funny considering how anxious I get, but performing is different. It's been my outlet for a very long time. This was a whole different type of performance though. When I asked what I should actually do as a model he just told me to "just be myself" which, of course, is the worst advice in the world. "Keep quiet, only speak if I ask you a question, keep your head up but you can keep your eye-line down if it's more comfortable for you."

"So just stand there and look pretty, you are the eye candy after all," April interjected.

"That might be difficult," I joked weakly.

"I disagree," Master Janus came back very quickly. My cheeks began to heat up so I went behind the stage to change out of my harness. It took me a bit of time to decide. Do I go shirtless in front of however many people are watching or do I wear a tight-fitting shirt under the ropes?

I heard a knock at the door and called to come in. In stepped Ro, Oli and Sim who came over and hugged me. "How are you feeling?" They asked.

"Okay. Nervous a little,"

"You'll do great El," Oli comforted me.

"Just think about how good master Janus looks in a suit."

"That's true, he really does," I laughed.

"Or just imagine him naked," Sim suggested.

"I've never seen him naked before you know," I told them.

"Honestly he's not really into sex, he's more into the aesthetic of a BDSM life," Sim shrugged.

"Ohh aesthetic that's a big word for you," Oli teased.

"I know I've been working all day on pronouncing it."

"Pronouncing wow you're on a roll," Ro interjected. We all laughed.

"Now we've helped you not be in your head our job is complete. We'll see you later El," the three of them engulfed me in some weird 4-way hug. Then they headed off to the door.

"Oh wait! While you're here can I ask for your advice?"

"Of course what is it?" Ro asked turning back.

"I can either go topless or wear a tight-fitting top but I don't know..."

"Well, we all know what I would pick for you," Ro just shrugged. I laughed at my friend.

"If you're okay with it I'd say go topless, it makes for a much nicer experience and a better watch. I mean you are the eye candy. Just there to look pretty," Sim shrugged.

"That's what April said."

"April clearly has the best ideas."

"Okay! I'll do that, if anyone says anything bad I'll cry and it'll be your fault," I half-joked. The three looked at each other knowing that my half-joke was not really a half-joke.

"If anyone says anything bad we will all collectively beat them up."

"Promise?" I asked.

"Promise," they all said together.

Once they had left I took my harness and shirt off and stood looking at myself in the mirror. This time last year I was on a pre-Christmas diet so I didn't look horrible and fat when I came back to Uni after Christmas. Aidan never gained any weight because he was so athletic. I always felt like he would be embarrassed to be seen with me. It'd make him the butt of the jokes to be dating a fat boy. In private he would tell me that I was handsome and he loved every part of me and I really thought that he did. He was kind and gentle and caring, he was what I needed at the time. I think this was the reason I never truly saw the red flags until it was too late. His friends would make fat jokes about the girls on campus and he'd just laugh along even though he knew how self-conscious I was. I did talk to him about it but he just said "it's not serious it's just banter". He didn't respect my boundaries when it came to sex. He was never publicly very affectionate. It was sometimes like we were never in a relationship, to begin with. I know there are some people who just aren't into PDA but I heard stories about when he was with his last boyfriend and it was very different. He just wasn't right for me and I had myself clinging to the idea that this boy was the love of my life forever.