you look so cool. (matty healy)

eleven

I finish the letter. My hands are shaking and I suddenly become very aware of the tears running down my face. I'm at a complete loss for words. I don't know whether to feel angry, sympathetic, hurt, or in love.

I think I'm honestly feeling a bit of them all. I'm still in disbelief, and I reread the letter. And then read it once again. I soak in the words for all their worth. I trace my fingers over the pen just to feel connected to him. Why couldn't he tell me this? I hate that he felt like he couldn't come to me.

I want to feel angry, I really, really do. But I just can't. I've spent the past six years being angry, and it didn't make things any better. The anger didn't bring him back to me, it was up to him. I was angry over my lack of control. I was angry because of the unknowns. Am I an awful person to forgive him? I mean he came to me, with this letter. He put all his walls down and was honest. God it took years, but hell he has always had me wrapped around his finger like this. He also was confronting his own demons. While I completley disagree with how he went about it, I can see where he's coming from. He didn't want me to get caught up in drugs and tumble down the same path he did. And I think had it been me in his shoes, I would've done the same thing. Addiction is a very complicated mental health issue, and I just can't fault him for having to take his own path and do what was best for him.

And he knows damn well that for him I would've ruined myself.

But, as much as that I can come to terms with, what the hell? He wrote an entire album about us and I'm on the fucking cover? This is what I'm unsure of. I wish he had just come to me sooner, but it's too late for that, and I'm ready to move past that situation, but it's a lot for me to handle to be the poster child of this new concept album.

His mind has always seen things differently, moved at a different speed than most, so I know the music will be amazing. But, knowing who it's about freaks me out. What if everyone listening will discover it's about me, and come after me? Social media is a hellscape and I've seen worse happen.

I decide the least I can do is give it a try. Give him a try. Hell, give myself a try. I'm not ready to fully let him back into my life platonically, let alone romantically. But, if I'm gonna work with him things will have to be amicable for the sake of the tour. He came to me and admitted all of his darkest truths, and for that I have to respect him. I decide I'll go to the Gorilla show.

I head back inside and Sloane stirs when I shut the door. "What the fuck happened last night," she mumbles as she wakes up. "You don't even know the half of it," I reply with a small laugh. The situation is honestly so unbelievable, I can't help but smile.

I make her a cup of tea, and we sit on the sofa as I tell her everything. We laugh, we cry, we get angry, but it feels good to have someone to talk to about it.

I tell her I'm going to the Gorilla show, to which she is wary, but I assure her it'll be fine. We chat lightly about what our weeks look like, and I go online to buy a train ticket to Manchester for the weekend. All the hotels for the weekend are booked up, there's some big football game or something I suppose, so I book a train back right after the show.

One Week Later

This week passed by so fucking slow, all I could think about was Saturday, Matty, and the concert. I wasn't sure if I would hear from him or if he'd try to send something my way, but nothing happened. I was a bit disappointed, but of course on the other hand he gave me his phone number which I hadn't used either.

I head home after the longest Friday of all time with butterflies in my stomach. Not only would I be seeing Matty tonight (which still feels surreal to say), but I'm also meeting the entire band and hearing the album for the first time.

Even without all the personal shit going down, from a professional view, this is the band I'm basically bidding my career on. Damn, they better be good or else I'm fucked with this tour.While I've forgiven Matty, I'm still indifferent to opening back up to him, but hell, that doesn't mean I can't look hot as fuck tonight. And I had the perfect dress in mind.

Sloane made me buy it months ago, insiting it was made for me, and I had to buy it. Well, tonight I suppose it will finally get to make its debut. The dress is a black dress, with silver stars and a slight fringe lining the bottom. I'll pair it with my black platform boots, and a bold red lip. I wear my hair down, with my natural waves cascading down my back.

I grab a small black purse and toss my headphones and some other essentials in. I also grab a long black coat to wear on the train ride.

The train ride is pretty uneventful, and I feel alright until the train staff make the announcement that Manchester would be the next stop. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Everything is moving really fast, but once the train comes to a stop and I stand to leave, I feel like I'm walking in slow motion.

Gorilla is close to the station, about a one kilometer walk. I was planning to Uber, because I'm lazy, but as I get off I realize I need to walk off my nerves. As I approach the venue, I'm surprised to see a queue to enter outside. I'm overwhelmed with nerves, but I can't help but feel so much pride for Matty. He fucking did this. He overcame all his issues, and fucking did this.

I walk up and head to the box office. They hand me my pass and usher me inside the venue. The show should start in about twenty minutes. I debate heading back to say hello to Matty before, but I don't wanna screw him up.

I hang out in the moment for a while, until the lights go down and I see the rectangular box light up on stage. The crowd is roaring and I hear a heavy electric guitar intro start.

And then there he is center stage, Matty fucking Healy.

cliffhanger :)))