you look so cool. (matty healy)

forty-seven

Luna's POV

After the show I headed back to the hotel on my own. I lay on the bed in my room, the silence is deafening. It's just me and the four walls. No stupid joking from Matty, no sloppy kisses, just me alone in the small hotel room. I don't even have the energy to change out of my clothes, I just scrunch into the fetal position, with tears slowly dripping down my face. I don't sob, there's no hysterics, just a couple tears falling down hitting my lips, running down my chin, and onto my neck.

I close my eyes and hope I find sleep, but I just lay in the dark. I hear a quiet knock on the door, but I don't make any movement to get up to check the door. The knocking continues, and I groan as I drag myself up to stand. I don't even look into the door's peephole before opening it, and I'm surprised to see a mop of brown hair sitting on the floor, Matty's back leaning up against the door. His hand is raised, ready to knock once more, but when he feels the pressure of the door his head spins around, looking at me.

I'm sure I look terrible. My makeup is streaked down my face, my eyes are swollen from the slow trail of tears, and my flushed cheeks from the raw emotion. "What," I say, my voice raspy and raw. "Matty, I can't take anymore, I can't," I tell him. "Please," he whines to me, "I need to say one thing, please Luna," he begs. I open the door a bit more, silently welcoming him into my room. I really don't want tot talk to him, I don't want to fight, I can't do it anymore. It's too hard and much too heartbreaking. He stands up slowly, he shakes a bit almost likes he's dizzy from simply standing up. He stands in front of me, and goes to lean in for a hug. I shrug to the side avoiding him, but he plants a kiss on my cheek anyway. "Hey, Lu," he says quietly. "Matty, come on, let's talk," I say to him.

I walk over to the bed, sitting on the edge at the end. He sits next to me on the bed, I don't even look over at him, but I feel the weight of him settle in the bed next to me. "Luna," he whispers. "I'm sorry." I don't say anything back, I just continue to stare at the carpet between my legs. Neither of us say anything for a while, but I cut the silence with one word, "why?" I ask. He shakes his head, looking down. His hands are on his elbows, with his head between his hands. "I don't know. I don't fucking know. I was just angry and I got out of control, and, I-, it just," Matty says. I snicker under my breath. "Okay so you got angry that I am successful so you fucking kiss some other girl at your show in front of me?" I say with a sarcastic smile as I tilt my head to look towards him.

"I got drunk, and crossed. It's no excuse, but I happened and I'm just some fucking loser who can't get anything right in his life. I'm just some ex-junkie fuck up with shitty coping mechanism, and I don't know what to do. Luna, I don't know what to do," he says. I sit with that for a while thinking of how I want to reply. It's a difficult situation. I don't want to fault him entirely for mental health issues and substance issues, but he doesn't get to fucking treat me badly and fucking cheat on me. I can't let myself be treated like that, I know my worth. I grab his hand and look towards him. "Matty," I say softly. He turns, making eye contact with me, tears streaming down his face. "Luna, no please." Matty spits out between shallow breaths.

"Matty, I need you to listen okay? And I need you to hear me out," I say calmly. His breath hitches. "I love you, Matty. So so fucking much. It's always gonna be you, I can't ever see myself falling in love with someone if it's not you, but this isn't us, Matty. It just isn't. Our love is fun, it's artistic, it's ever changing, it's everything and nothing all at once to me. Loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done." I say quietly. Matty pulls me in closer to him, crying harder than before. "Loving you is my favorite thing. I don't have to think about it, it's so natural for me. I really can't even put it into words, and hell I've tried to," I say. I'm crying too now, my head rests on his shoulder, and salty tears coat my cheeks and his shirt.

"I don't think we're in the right place for this," I finally say as my voice breaks. He cries into my neck so hard, I don't know how he'll ever stop or pull away from me. "We each have some things to work on, I need to explore this career option and you, Matty, I mean you're on top of the world right now. Hell, you're the next big thing I mean everyone istalking about the band. "Luna," he says, but I continue talking. "And I don't want to speak for you but I think you really could benefit by talking to someone, I mean I think I'm gonna explore that too," I say. He nods his head, "I know, I know, you're right," he replies.

He moves his head from my neck, and wraps both his arms around my waist, pulling me to sit on his lap. We look at each other with tears in our eyes, we both know what's coming. "I think," I say through tears, "I want you to finish out the tour, with just the guys. You are on top of the world right now, and I don't want to hold you back. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me. This is your moment, please don't let me hold you back from taking all the opportunites you get, because you fucking deserve it Matty." I tell him. He just cries into my chest, as he toys with my long strands of hair. "And, um, I-" I start to say, but the tears catch up to me. "I'm gonna take the job, and move out to LA. I-, I have to do it, Matty. This is all I've ever wanted, it wouldn't be fair to myself to not give it a try," I tell him finally.

"Luna," he says. I can barely look at him, but I feel his hands grab the sides of my face and he turns my head to face him directly. "Okay," he says. "I'm so fucking happy for you, and I'm sorry." He says. I just look down, unable to face him anymore. "I love you, Luna, always and forever. And then some," he says to me. I silently nod my head in response to him. "Alright? So, I'll go," Matty says. I look up, making eye contact with him, "And I'll stay," I reply. "And we'll find our way back to each other," he finishes. He offers me a soft smile, and pulls me close hugging me tighter than ever before. "I love you, Matty," I say. "I love you too, Lu."

Before we change our minds, he quietly stands up and wipes his eyes. He walks towards the door without looking back, and just like that he's gone, and I'm alone again.