you look so cool. (matty healy)

thirty-eight

Matty's POV

Luna looks so upset, I don't even want to look her in the eyes. She gently traces her finger around the rim of her beer bottle, I watch as the condensation slowly drips down the bottle, falling onto her legs, and gently soaking into her tights. She doesn't even flinch as the cold water hits her. She takes a swig and I can't help but watch her lips wrap around the bottle, as she swallows. "Luna," I say quietly, breaking the silence.

She slowly turns her head to face me, looking up at me with her light eyes. "Hm," she murmurs. "I left." I say shortly. "Yeah, yeah you did Matty, how about you tell me something I don't already know because I'm not here to sit through bullshit." Luna replies. "I know, you're right, I just, I don't even know. Like I don't know why I do the shit I do." I reply.

"I want to be here with you. Wanna fuckin' be around you all the time. But I just, leave. Always have, who knows if I always will." I continue. Luna stares ahead blankly, not making any effort to look my way. "And uh, so after that last show I just had to leave, I just can't explain it, I had to go. Something in my head was just screaming at me to get out." I say. I feel my throat closing, I fucking hate this feeling. I fucking hate vulnerbility. I don't want to cry, I'm sick of fucking crying, I'm not some little kid. 

"I want to know why I'm like this." I say quietly. I blink back tears, refusing to fall apart yet again. Having Lu back has been some of the best moments of my life, but its stirred up a lot of emotions I had previously locked back away. "Can I tell you something, not because I'm winning you back or that shit, but just to be transparent." I ask Luna. She nods her head, still silent and not looking my way. "For the entirety of those six years, I never had another relationship. Just wasn't you." I say a bit embarassed. "I won't lie I had hook-ups every now and then, but it wasn't you, and I didn't want anything else. No other person could make me feel the way I did with you, and when I realized I had fucked it all, it was too late. I compensated this all with drugs, which made everything worse." I tell her.

I see her wipe at her eyes, trying to be slick, but I notice. I notice everything about her. "The love I feel for you, it overwhelms me, it scares me. This is such a cliché, but the only thing that's ever consumed my head this much was when I was addicted. And it scares me, I'm scared to love something that much. I want to let it in, but I don't know how." I explain. "I don't know how to love you Luna, I can't love you the way you deserve. But I want to so fuckin' bad."

She brings her knees to her chest, continuing to nurse her drink and stare at the wall. "I'm completely and utterly yours Luna, and I want to love you, and I'm gonna try my damn best because I can't lose you again. It genuinely almost killed me the first time, and I can't cheat death twice." I finish. 

I look to her expecting her to turn my way, but she doesn't move. After a couple moments she slowly slides her knees back from her chest to hang over the edge of the stage. "I liked the song," she said quietly. "You did good, Matty. It was really good," she says in almost a whisper. "Thank you," I reply softly. I move a little bit closer to her, but she doesn't reciprocate the action. 

"Matty," she says with her voice cracking. I look at her waiting to hear her repsonse. "I can't be someone's maybe, Matty. I can't do it." She says. "I love you so much it's really incomprehensible, and all consuming, but I can't be some experiment to see if you can totally love someone and not run. I can't. I refuse to be that for you." Luna says, her voicing shaking.