you look so cool. (matty healy)

twenty-eight

I really didn't want to stay for the show, I was so angry at Matty. All I ever want to do is be there for him, and seeing him in the state he was earlier, how was I not supposed to help. Seeing him hurt, hurts me, maybe even more than it hurts him. 

After I left Matty in the venue, I went outside and sat on a bench down the block. I lit a cigarette and people watched, completley unaware of what's going on around me. I feel someone sit down next to me, and I look over to see Ross. He nods towards my cigarette asking for a hit, and I hand it over to him. He takes a long draw, and blows it out towards the street.

"Give him a chance," Ross mutters. "Ross-," I start to say, but he cuts me off.  "Luna. I know we just met, but I like you, and I think we're friends, so I gotta be honest with you. He love you. He fuckin' loves you so much. He's got some issues though, and you need to decide if you love him enough to take him back, all of him."

I nod, not sure yet how to respond. Ross continues, "He's got a lot of insecurity issues, and he can't speak up about his feelings to save his damn life, but I'm his best mate. I know him pretty fuckin' well, and I know he doesn't want to ruin this with you all over again."

"I wanna give him a chance." I say to Ross. "I really do, but I can't put my heart on the line, and have it be broken again. I can't fuckin' do it. It almost killed me the first time, and I just can't put myself in that position again."

Ross pulls me into a quick side hug. "I'm gonna show you something of Matty's. He's gonna be pissed, but I think you should see it. It's from his notebook, it's about the song "Heart Out", I think you'll be intrigued into what he wrote down about it." 

"You take some time to yourself, I'll go check in on him. Don't worry, Luna. We've got him,"Ross tells me. He hands me a folded piece of paper and gives me a smile and a curt nod, and then he stands to head back inside the venue. 

I open the paper, and see it's another of his lyric brainstorming bits. It's covered in his doodles, thoughts, lyrics, and there is even a photo of him and I from one day we went out to the coast as teenagers. I smile at the sweet memory.

I stare at the page, reading all of the lyrics. Hearing him write about how much he hates himself, and why he doesn't understand why he can't communicate better, suddenly makes his anger earlier make more sense. He's afraid of telling me how he feels, because then it becomes so real. He's asking me to "figure his heart out", so he doesn't have to.

I know somewhere in his mind is the younger Matty I knew, and I know I can help him come back out of his shell and talk to me. I fold the paper back up and tuck it safely into my pocket. I toss my cigarette on the ground, and stomp it out with my boot. I pick my head up and head back into the venue with just enough time to head to the VIP/ Crew standing section before the show started.

The show was phenomenal. I mean all the boys are ridiculously talented, but Matty's just got it. He's got that rockstar feel. The messy curls, bright red guitar, leather jacket feel, he absolutley oozes star potential. He looks like he feels so safe and comfortable on stage as well, it really warms my heart knowing he hit the lowest point in his life, and then fought to overcome his drug issues, and now he's here.

I could've never predicted him coming up to me during 'Robbers' and totally picking me out in front of the crowd, but his hand was suddenly on my neck, and I made no effort to pull away. Matty's touch is addictive, I know I shouldn't want it, but he touches me and we're like magnets. I hope to God he pulls away because I sure as hell won't. He looks so fucking fine, I'd probably take him in front of this entire crowd if he asked me to.

He pulls me in to his ear and whispers into my ear, and I just know he's got me wrapped around my finger. He runs offstage, and I make my way through the crowd to get to this room. I walk inside, and find he's not there yet, so I make myself comfortable on the couch. I hear that laugh I could recognize anywhere, and soon enough he's walking in, unbeknowst to my presence.

"Hey," I say to him. He spins around with a look of relief on his face, "Oh thank fuck you're here, I thought you'd left and not come back, and then I saw you and I had to come see you, I couldn't believe-," Matty says before I cut him off. "I'm here. Wouldn't miss that for the world, M." I tell him. "But, we definitely need to talk, but I figured we could go back to the hotel and get out of here first," I say. Matty agrees and we both head out to the SUV Jaime scheduled to take the band back to the hotel. 

The five of us pile in, all still buzzing from the energy of the show. Adam, George, and Ross are going crazy, talking about plans for the night. Matty is paying attention, but the entire time his hand is gripping my thigh, gently squeezing just to let me know he hasn't forgotten about me. I rest my hand on his knee, gently scratching him. 

We pull up to the hotel, and he grabs my hand helping me out. He shouts to the boys, "Text me details we'll meet ya there," and we head off into the lobby, catching an elevator. He breaks the silence in the elevator and says, "you looked fucking amazing tonight. Just couldn't help but come see for myself."

"Hm you looked alright I suppose, but I like you better without the shirt," I say with a wink. The elevators open and I wander out, leading him and I to my hotel room.