you look so cool. (matty healy)

forty-six

Matty's POV

I can't believe she's leaving me. I've worked so hard to be good for her, I mean so fucking hard. She's all I want and I can't be enough, I never will be. I've turned myself around, I got clean, and I've become successful and she still doesn't feel I'm enough for her to put her energy into. I don't know what else there is for me to do, she's my everything, and I gave it my all, it just wasn't enough this time. Or anytime for that matter. I mean whatever, it's fine, I'll get over it, but I knew I couldn't stick around, so I left. I walked out on her. Not the first time I've done that, but fuck it certainly feels like it'll be the last. Something about this felt so finite. I did everything I could to be there for her, and she isn't ready to accept who I am now. Instead she wants to go fuck around with some Zack prick. One shiny job offer and she's leaving our production in the dust. Maybe that was the plan all along, she only agreed to see me again to ride the soon to be success of our band, and open up bigger and better shit for her to jump off to. I can't believe she fucking used us, she fooled us all. Making me fall even more in love with her than I ever thought possible, and then ripping my heart straight out of my fucking chest leaving me raw and bleeding. Fucking hell I never want to see her again. 

And then I wake up. I'm in a different room, with unfamiliar clothing scattered on the room. 

I don't see any of mine or Luna's things. I can tell my eyes and cheeks are swollen a bit from crying before I fell asleep, and my clothes are all wrinkled underneath the covers. I groan as the light meets my eyes. After the fight with Luna, I walked out and went to Ross' room. I knew if I stayed around, things would've gotten ugly, uglier than they already had. I know myself, and I would've said shit I regret simply from the emotion in the heat of the moment. So I left, and went to talk to Ross. I told him everything. I told him about the articles, about our evening activities last night, Luna's job, and of course how I felt about the offer Zack extended to her.

I'm so grateful to have Ross, he's there for all the highs and the lows. I can cry on his shoulder free of judgment, and I truly think he is one of very few people who sees the true me. As I sit up in bed the weight of the fight rests on my shoulders. I feel like I'm crumbling underneath a blanket of anxiety and regrets. I know I fucked up, I was completely in the wrong. I was just upset, the thought of losing Luna again is incomprehensible. I've never felt this strongly for anything in my life, I would give up everything for her, it's simply not living if it isn't with her. With Luna the world is brighter, it seems colors are more impactful. Music means more, art means more, and it's all because of the joy she brings into my life. 

I know I should go straight to our room, talk to Luna, apologize, and make things right. But I never fucking seem to get it right. I find myself cozying up on a barstool at some local club that to my luck is open in the late afternoon. I knock back several shots before I drop a $100 bill on the counter and stumble out. Now drunk, I somehow manage to grab a taxi to take me to the venue. I barely make my way into the venue, and trip my way into the backstage dressing rooms. Once in the back I'm met with an unhappy George, Ross, and Adam who drag me back into the dressing rooms and toss me onto the couch. I drift off to sleep, but I see them all together talking, I'm sure they're talking about me and Ross is spilling all the shit I told him earlier- the fucking prick. I don't have the energy to stand up or say anything so I just lay on the couch drunks, counting the flecks of dirt on the celing above me. 

Out of the corner of my eye I see Ross toss something towards me, and a water bottle hits me with a thud on my stomach. I retch at the feeling. I throw the bottle back at him, but fail miserably as it hardly even leaves the sitting area. I see Ross flip me off, and then three of them leave me on my own. 

I don't know how much time has passed, but before I even realize what's happening, Jaime is dragging my ass off the couch and out towards the stage. "I don't know what the fuck your problem is, but get it together and put on a hell of a show," I hear Jaime say into my ear aggressively. I try and shove him off me, but he holds my shoulder tightly. As we pass the catering tables on the way to the stage I snag the bottle closest to my reach, I don't really give a fuck what's in it. "She's, she's not gonna come Jaime, I fucked it," I spit out rambling. He doesn't respond, "Jamie, can you see if she's okay?" I ask him. Again he doesn't respond and instead sends me up the stairs, shoving my ear piece in, "kick ass, Matty," he says to me before he disappears back into the darkness of backstage. "I love her," I say out loud to no one in particular. And when I hear my cue during the 'Sex' intro I waltz out onto stage like there's no issues, as if my life isn't falling apart as I know it. As if the person I love most in this world isn't slipping from my fingers as I perform for them.

I keep drinking, and drinking. I need to stop, but I can't. I don't want to feel anything, I can't feel it, the emotions are too much. I hear the intro to 'Robbers' play and something comes over me. Everything in me is thinking about Luna, this song is us. Fuck the entire album is us. I need to fill this void I feel somehow, and before I know it I've hopped offstage and am approaching the barrier. Luna always stands in the same spot at all the shows, so I strategically avoid looking in that direction at all. I step up onto the barrier and look at all the women and men yelling me name, yearning for my touch, for my attention. Something in me snaps, and I pick some girl in the crowd who looks a bit like Luna, same long wavy hair, and figure it'll do. She syas she's above 18, and before I know it I'm grabbing her face, and smashing my lips against her drunkenly. The second it happens, it feels wrong, and I feel how badly I fucked up. I pull away and run back onstage, still avoiding Luna's gaze. I pretend like everything is normal even though it is so far from such.

Before we start the last song of the show I grow a pair and look over in Luna's direction. She's still here. I can't believe she didn't walk right out, hell knows I would've. She's staring right back at me, tears running down her beautiful face. She looks at me with nothing, no emotion, no love behind her eyes, just emptiness. 

It's written all over her face, and in that moment I just know.