you look so cool. (matty healy)

thirteen

I've been the this venue plenty of times, but never backstage. It takes me a minute to navigate my way throughout the crowd, but eventually I find a security officer, and he helps me find my way to a long hallway, illuminated with red lights, which he explains leads to the artists lounge.

As I walk I start to smell that familar cigarette scent, it sticks to the walls, enveloping his persona. I walk for a minute, but don't see any room overtly obvious as to where I might find him. At this point I'm moving entirely on adrenealine, I have no idea what I'm gonna say to him, but I know I need to see him.

Finally, I spot someone with a 1975 shirt on that read "crew" on the back, and I ask, "Hey, do you know where Matty went?" She seemed skeptical, some random girl coming backstage asking for the lead singer has got to raise some security questions, but I told her my name and she seemed to know just who I was.

She points to a room on the right and says, "You didn't hear this from me, but he's mentioned the allusive 'Luna' quite a bit recently." I smile knowing he's been thinking of me just as much as I've been thinking of him. I thank her and head to the door. Now, the only thing that stands between Matty and I is this door. I suddenly become very concisous of what is about to happen, and I feel the nerves creep up.

It's a weird feeling, being nervous to see that one person who meant everything to you. I know my nerves are uncalled for, I mean this is Matty, it doesn't matter how much time has passed he'll always understand me. And, I figure he's just as nervous to see me as he him, considering he just released an album entirely devoted to me and played it onstage in front of a live audience.

I give myself an internal pep talk, and whisper "fuck it," to myself and open the door. He looks right at me and we both pause. He looks at me like I'm the only thing in the world, everything else to him in nonexistent when I'm with him. Knowing I have all his attention makes my insides burn, he's always had this effect on me. I slowly move into the small room and walk up to where he's leaning on the wall.

"Hi," he says a bit awkwardly. I'm sure he feel unsure what to say, because he doesn't yet know what I felt about the music. "Hey," I say back to him. We both busy ourselves, him twiddling his fingers, or me adjusting my dress. I look at him, and he looks back with the softest eyes. In that moment I just know, all the walls between us have come crashing down. He starts to speak, "is it okay-," and I cut him off immediantly pulling him into a hug.

It's electric. Feeling him envelop me in his warm arms. I can't believe I get to feel him and be close to him like this again. It's unreal, it feels like an out of body experience. He holds me tights, and we sway lightly back and forth, simply taking in one another. We stay like this for what feels like hours, and when he starts to pull back, I drag him back close to me again. How am I supposed to ever let go again?

Finally we come apart and I meet his eyes, both of us with tears coming down our cheeks. "I fuckin' missed you so bad and I'm just so sorry and-," I cut him off again. "Matty. It's over, I'm here and I'm so fucking proud of you. I can't you ever thought I'd be anything but proud. I could never, not in a million years hate you." I say.

He starts to cry a bit harder, which only breaks me more. He slides down the wall, and I follow suit, now with both of us sitting on the floor. I dip my head down onto his shoulder, and he rests his head on mine.

He goes to say something else, but I look at him and say, "We can just exist here for now. Forget the other bullshit, I just wanna be here with you for right now." He nods his head in agreement and gives me a look indicating his gratitude.

We sit in silence for a while, when I finally break the quiet, "I always knew you would be great," I say. "I mean look at you, you're a fucking rockstar," I say with a smile.

"Aw bug off," Matty replies, giving me a playful push on the shoulder. I laugh, soaking in every minute we get to be together. We smile at each other as we both become aware of how easily we slipped back into our past habits.

"There's one more thing I need to tell you about the album," he says. Suddenly the nerves come rushing back, and I cautiously ask, "what?". He stands up and walks to a backpack, where he pulls out a copy of 'At Their Very Best' on vinyl. "Matty, I've seen the vinyl," I laugh. "It looks great, do I need to feed your ego any more?" I joke to him.

"That's not exactly what I'm getting at here," he replies. He opens the vinyl and inside is a white vinyl slip, that he holds. "Uhm, this is pretty important to me but, uhm anyway in rehab they let me take photos and um basically I took a photo of you. It made me want to get better, and it uh helped me write these songs, and work through some issues."

He continues, "but what I need to tell you is that I included the photo in the vinyl and CD, because it's what inspired a lot of the music and I just wanted to show you before it's out there. Don't worry though, you can't see your face or anything, but uh yeah it really was good for me," he finishes.

He hands me the paper, and I look down to see it covered in writing and little lyrics.

I don't say anything for a minute, and Matty walks to my side and says, "I really hope you're not upset, but it was just important for me to include, because I just had to show at your lowest you can still create and you can still feel love. I just need people to know it's okay to feel love, even when they think they don't deserve it."

I am definitely surprised at this, but I wouldn't say I was upset, but moreso overwhelmed. "Wow," is all I manage. He looks nervous. "Matty, wow this is incredible. Um, I don't know what to say. It's a lot to see myself here and know people will take this home, but I mean I've always seen your art for what it is, and I know you always have deeper reasonings for what you put into the world," I reply.

"I can't put into words how much I appreciate you," Matty whispers to me. "If you're okay with it, the rest of the band would love to meet you, and it doesn't have to be now, it's up to you, but uh yeah, they love you already," he says with a smile.

I nod and follow him out.

I don't know exactly what tonight meant yet, and I have no idea where our relationship stands, but I feel good. I'm happy. I'm so happy to have my best friend back in my life. Who knows where this will lead, but I'm excited to find out.

woop woop muna is backkkk (is this their ship name lmao? latty? idk lmao)