Villarmazan Series #3: Chasing Sharvari

20 (R-18)

Chapter 20

Shaking

When I was in elementary school, I never had perfect teeth, as I have right now. I never went to the dentist. Takot ako roon. Yes, even tough people have fears. We're not built with completely solid rock.

Kaya noong nagka-health program sa school namin noon...libre yung pagpapabunot...my mother forced me to stay in line when I only wanted to do was to get her grip off of me and run. Ilang beses niya akong pagalitan noon. Ilang assurance din na 'hindi yan masakit' ang nasabi niya sa akin. somehow, naniwala ako sa kaniya.

I thought I was already brave, kumalma ako. Pero noong ako na yung next sa linya, I said to myself that being fearless is dynamic. So, I ran.

I ran...

That's what I'm good at.

Doon ako magaling. Takbuhan ang mga bagay na ayaw ko. I wouldn't face my fears, I back away from them. I would take careful steps and then wouldn't notice that I was already running like my life depended on it.

Iyon ang ginagawa ko ngayon.

I left the house before Incus could even acknowledge that I was gone.

Nilalakad ko palabas ng Village. And every step i took, bumibigat ang dibdib ko.

Why was there no pain? There should've been pain. Damn it!

Ngayon na...nalaman ko na. Sobrang sakit pala. Hindi ko naman alam na possible pala iyon. Yung ginagawa niya noon sa akin. I never figured that he went all the way. So damn deep, that i lost it...

It was just 5 in the morning. Kahit silip ng araw ay wala pa.

Sobrang dilim at tahimik sa apartment pagdating ko. I immediately curled myself in a ball when I felt the comfort of my own bed.

Sobrang hapdi ng mga mata ko dahil halos hindi ako nakatulog kanina.

Kung ipipikit ko naman iyon, mukha ni Incus ang nakikita ko.

His panting...exasperated face grinding on me...

Tumayo lahat ng balahibo ko sa katawan.

Dumapa ako para matabon ko ang mukha sa unan.

I am so messed up! And this is so unfair on Incus' part! He doesn't deserve this.

Ano kaya yung iniisip niya kagabi?...pagkatapos niyang ipasok sa loob ko iyon at wala siyang maramdamang hymen?

Fuck! Mababaliw na ako sa kakaisip!

Bumangon ako bigla.

Bakit ko nga ba siya iniwan roon? He's gonna wake up...and wonder.

He's gonna ask himself what he did wrong when in fact...I was the one who had problems!

Noong ako pa lang mag-isa, hindi ako sanay na may kasama. Except for Calli.

So, when I turn my back on someone...I would never turn around again.

Nalilito na rin ako sa sarili ko. Sinasabi ko na hindi ko siya mahal. But how come i found myself turning back before i could even grant myself some time? Why am i thinking about him too much?

Eh halos hindi pa ako naka-kalahating oras sa apartment! Bumalik na ako kaagad rito!

I was supposed to embrace aloneness, right? But why am I feeling like this? Why am I missing that worthless man!

Tumigil ako ilang metro sa bahay ni Incus nang mamataan ko siyang papalabas ng bahay. He was opening the gate. Mukhang nagmamadali pa hawak ang susi ng kaniyang kotse.