Chapter 40
Greetings
"How are you?"
It was just today that I realized... walang silbi pala itong pinasukan ko. I pay her a lot of money just to ask me how I'm doing.
"Not fine. Maraming nangyari simula nung huli nating pagkikita. Last last Tuesday, was it?"
For a once-a-week session... ako naman palagi yung tumutuyo ang bibig sa kakasalita. And she's just there. With her note and pencil. Crossing her legs, and her eyes cloaking every judging stare she could throw at me.
I bet after years... I could also master that. It would be an advantage, you know?
"Yes... okay lang ba sayong magkwento sa akin... kung ano yung mga nangyari?"
"Hindi ako nakapunta dahil muntikan na akong mahuli ni Incus. Sasakay na ako ng jeep when he pulled over outside my school."
"No, it's okay. I'm fine with that. Ang ibig kong sabihin ay yung nagyari... sa mga nakaraang araw. What happened that made you not fine?"
Doon bumagsak ang balikat ko.
Pinadausdos ko ng bahagya ang katawan sa sofa. The back of my neck holding my weight on the backrest.
"Kinakarma yata ako, Doc."
"What do you mean, Shanala? Bakit mo naman sinasabi na kinakarma ka?"
"I never liked life. Because i feel like it's always playing me. And when i try to kick it... It kicks back... Harder. And it's unfair."
I played with my ring on my finger.
"Lahat ng mga naging parte ng buhay ko... Lahat sila umaalis. That's why i don't want to get too attached. Because if they get too vital... i might end up on the ground... Not breathing."
"I have my friends... And i have Calli. Calli is my sister... And she is... Uhm... Last week ko lang nalaman na aalis pala siya."
I bit the insides of my cheek as i remembered that day vividly.
"Natanggal kasi ako sa scholarship. May mga subject kasi akong bumaba yung grades ko sa endterm. Nahatak naman nung past terms para hindi ako tuluyang bumagsak pero..."
She shrugged her shoulders. And smiled. Yung pilit. Hindi naapektuhan yung kurba ng mata niya.
She's acting like it's not a big deal. She's calli. And she's super smart. At may ideya na ako kung bakit gano'n. Bumagsak siya dahil sa tinding lungkot sa nangyari sa kuya niya.
Gusto ko siyang higitin at yakapin. At hayaang kumawala ang natatakot na hikbi sa balikat niya.
I'm terrified. For her. For me. I thought... What's going to happen to me if pati siya ay iwan ako?
Long before Incus... She was the only person who gets me. When i get stuck at a long steep, She knows when to reach for me... And how tight she would grasp my hand. We've measured.. And mastered each other. It's almost as impossible to end a day without her.
"Where?"
I asked her a week later.
"Yung program na kino-consider ko talaga... Mayroon silang specific university na set na talaga kapag makakapasok ka sa kanila."
"Saan?"
"Nueva Ecija."
"Nueva!? Eh ang layo-layo no'n, Calli!!"
"Kung matatanggap lang naman ako."
"Sana hindi ka matanggap."
"How did that feel? Did you feel a sense of fulfillment? less of a worry...satiety... dahil sa sinabi mo sa kaniya?" tanong ni Dra. Lozada.
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