Villarmazan Series #3: Chasing Sharvari

34

Chapter 34

Hands. Settle and out.

My whole body was shaking, as i could not do something. Pinapanuod ko lamang na tinatransfer nila ang kaibigan ko mula sa stretcher.

Magulo naman talaga sa Emergency room. Pero mas lalong gumulo sa pagdating ni Calli. Malleus was the cause of it.

If only Calli could see him. He's restless and almost doesn't know what to do.

He orders the room. Every staff na para bang siya ang nagmamay-ari ng hospital roon.

He commands every healthcare provider he could find. To tend to Calli na para bang hindi na enough yung lahat na pumapalibot roon sa higaan.

I slowly stepped away. As others were careless on pushing me.

Halos nabibingi na ako sa lahat ng ingay. Ang malakas na boses ni Malleus ay hindi ko na maintindihan.

The curtains were blurry for me when the nurses closed them.

As if it was the cue i was waiting for. Tumalikod na ako.

My mind was adrift. Somehow, dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa banyo.

Pinaandar ko yung faucent. I kept rubbing my hands na para bang may dugo roon...o dumi. There was none.

Guilt? A lot.

Sinusubukan kong tanggalin ang mga iyon mula sa mga palad ko. Lahat ng kasalanan. As if it would erase what i've done.

Kasalanan mo...

Kasalanan mo...

Kasalanan mo, shanala...

Hindi tumitigil ang mga boses sa loob ng ulo ko.

Hanggang sa tumakas na lamang ang malakas na hikbi mula sa bibig ko.

Napatabon ako.

Basang-basa na rin pati ang damit.

Katulad nung gripo ay...hindi tumigil ang paglandas ng mga luha ko.

I never cried this hard...ever since i've left tondo.

Naging matapang ako.

Kahit hindi gusto ay...hinayaan ko ang sarili na maging bato.

Because no one can hurt a rock. It can be the one to maim you instead. Make you bleed.

Kahit noong mga panahon na...sobrang nasasaktan ako...nahihirapan...hindi ako nagpakita ng luha.

Kahit noong may mga umalis na biglang ulit na nagpapakita.

Kahit nga noong umalis si Incus, ay napigilan ko.

Ngayon...kasi...kaibigan ko iyon...si Calli iyon...At ako ang dahilan--ang puno't-dulo kung bakit narito siya ngayon sa ospital! Lumalaban para sa buhay niya!

How can one be sure that there is a higher...more superior being above us?

Sure, i go to a university that is a firm adherence with saints and catholicism. I attend masses with my friends. But the truth is...i've lost hopes after Tondo.

If God is so powerful...that he can hear all the calls. All cries of those oppressed. Then, why didn't he heard one little girl? Was my cry so faint? No, it wasn't.

I know it's a sin to question him. Pero madalas ay hindi ko lang mapigilan ang mapatanong.

I am no atheist. I just simply question. And sometimes faith can slowly fade, when that question...remains unanswered.