MBS2 : Bound to be His Slave

Continuation

JAZLYN'S POV

"Fuck. I fucking miss you" Mathew growled between our kiss. I can feel his impatientness within his touch, na para bang sabik na sabik itong hawakan ako. And i like it.

For years i been feeling unwanted by everyone. Since the messed between me and Master Lucas happened, i become so off close. I lost my confidence. I become anxious at everything. Small things shit the out of me. My sensitivity worsen. I'm unstable and have mild depression.

That is not only because of him. But also because sa mga nangyari sa buhay ko. Sa buhay namin ng anak ko. The danger, the betrayal, the painful truth and reality about my daughter. The lies i was fed, and the love that ruined me good.

I survive them all. But they have left deep scars in me. Some even felt like that they will never heal and hunt and stayed with me till death. The feeling of being scared and unsafe still linger in the back of my head.

Yes. I was severely traumatize. Kaya kahit ngayung nasa maayos na ako na kalagayan at nakalaya na sa madilim kung buhay at mapanganib na paninilbihan kila Master Xyontenier ay may dala dala parin akong kaba at takot sa akin.

And the saddest part is that no one knows that i feel this way. That i feel so broken despite functioning just fine from the outside. No one knows how miserable i am, despite being safe and sound. Even Mathew don't know that. though I'm honest with him about everything. Not just the part of my miserableness.

I don't want to bother him. Alam kong hindi ako bothersome sa kanya, but still i don't want to let him know about this part of me. Mathew have proven himself to me a long time ago. 

His a good guy. He always put me first at any cause. Kahit pa ata kapahamakan ng buhay nya ang kapalit nuon. He was always there for me every time he know that i needed him. Never ko syang narinig na nag reklamo patungkol kay Lucas. Kahit alam nitong si Lucas ang tinitibok ng puso ko. I never heard a thing from him about that. Instead he just remain where he stand, and just make his presence known when needed.

He was patient with me. Making sure that his always with the same pace as me. Hindi nya ako minamadali sa kung ano man. I don't really know  kung anong ginawa ko para mag karoon ako ng lalaking tulad nya sa buhay ko, pero nag papasalamat ako na naanjan sya.

Because surely, kung wala sya ay hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa akin. Sa amin ng anak ko. I survived because of him.

Nanatili sya sa tabi ko at patuloy parin akong iniintindi. At sana hindi sya mag sawa. Dahil alam kong dadating ang panahon kung saan matutunan ko nang mapalayain ang sarili ko sa lahat ng takot at sakit. At pag nangyari yun. Puso ko na ang pipili sa kanya. That's why i hope, na till then ay nasatabi ko parin sya.

Sa ngayun kase ay hindi ko pa alam ang nararamdaman ko. Wala pa ako sa tamang wisyo upang mag desisyon sa malalaking bagay. I'm still recovering. At least I'm trying to recover myself piece by piece.

Pakiramdam ko kase ay hindi pa ako bumibitaw sa lahat ng nangyari sa akin sa ngayun. I feel like something is missing, and i know it's him. It's still Lucas.  He made me feel this way. He win. He made me sure i feel incomplete without him.

Kahit pa yata ang dami na nyang  kagaguhan ang ginawa sa akin. He made sure na sa huli ay maiisip at maiisip ko parin sya. In the end nanalo sya na gawing miserable ang buhay ko kahit wala sya sa paligid.

I know it sound stupid. Or probably I'm stupid. More that stupid, even. Kahit ako ang galit sa part ko na yan. Kase bakit hanggang ngayun ay sya parin ang gumugulo sa akin?

May not be as bother as before dahil within the years i know na my feelings towards him is slowly fading. I'm glad about it. But may time talaga na umaabot sa punto na umiiyak parin ako pag naiisip ko ang lahat ng nangyari sa pagitan namin.