I hate myself I hate my body and my brain and the way it works I hate how weak I am how easily I let other people and my own thoughts control me and make me believe all these horrible things about myself and no matter what I do I can't stop it I feel like I am in danger every single second from myself or that I'll be left by everyone because they are tired of me being this way I wish I wasn't this way I wish everything was different cuz I can't help but feel like I am trapped like I am living in a story where I am the villain and can never change never be anything else than this right now and eventually be forgotten I'm so scared of being nothing more than I am right now of never being enough so I push myself too hard and it makes me hate myself even more and I'm afraid of being forgotten so I am too clingy but maybe I'm annoying so I should just distance myself more but then I feel like I'm in danger again I feel trapped like I'm going in circles over and over and I want it to stop and then there's dad who I haven't seen in months just suddenly shows up acting like it's a normal thing that he does all the time and I HATE HIM I HATE HIM FOR NEVER ONCE CARING I've asked so many times and all I ever get is silence and I hate that I keep waiting giving him a million chances hoping for something that won't happen and I can't help but wonder, why did he always hate me so much and I wish I could love someone in that way that everyone else does but I'm tired of faking it I am worried I'm not good enough for anything real and they say to be patient but I know that's not how it works for me and no one understands that because I need like constant reassurance or I start believing everyone hates me as much as I do and maybe if I try harder then I'll earn it those feelings but my mind says not yet not yet so I push myself even more until I hate everything about myself I hate my whole entire soul
