Earlier I asked Will to tell me why he loves Nico. He explained, or tried to, and he said he knows I don't really get it. I don't. But I get that they make him happy so I guess that's good enough. Will said he hopes someday I might find someone who makes me feel like that. I do too, but what I really want is to be able to be happy by myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see what he sees, what Eleanor seems to see, instead of someone I hate everything about. I want my brain to not tell me negative things about what I am, what I'm allowed to do, or what I deserve. I want to be able to love myself without needing approval from someone else. I want to be able to love myself without someone's constant reassurance, without the fear that I could lose it all in a heartbeat. That's what I really want.
