I don't usually write my dreams down because they're usually nightmares and I don't want to remember those. But I'm going to write down the one I had last night because it wasn't a normal nightmare. It feels important for some reason. I think I need to remember it.
This is how it started. I woke up in a chair in an unfamiliar room. There were other people there, mostly adults, but I couldn't make out any faces. Except one. Eleanor's. She was sitting in a chair next to me, holding my hand. She looked at me and mouthed something but no sound came out. Her expression was a mixture of surprise and relief. I knew where we were. This was where people started their journey to the afterlife. That meant we were both dead.
The dream changed and the two of us were standing in front of some people who were muttering to each other. Immediately I felt nervous, and she squeezed my hand to let me know it was okay. I went first. Little flashes from my life—faces of people I knew, small clips of dialogue, scenes from certain points in my life. After a few minutes it was over. The people kept muttering to each other, things I couldn't understand. It seemed to go on for hours before one of them spoke up. I could only make out one word of what he said. "Elysium." I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in.
Then it was Eleanor's turn. I could tell she was scared and I wondered what she saw from those short flashes of her life. Finally it was over. I waited for the judges to tell her she had achieved Elysium too. So I was sure I'd heard wrong when the same guy said the word "Asphodel". For the first time, I spoke. "What? You can't do that! She's a hero!" I could feel tears forming as I realized what Eleanor going to Asphodel meant. Suddenly I didn't care that I was going to Elysium. I would've rather been sent to the Fields of Punishment—to Tartarus even—as long as I was with her. "Our decision is final," he told me. "Move along."
"Please," I said. "Send me there too. I'll go to Asphodel with her."
He looked at me and I hoped he was reconsidering. "You want to throw away your paradisiacal afterlife for someone you love? We see that all the time. But are you sure that's what you want?"
"Yes," I said, before he had even finished talking. "Yes. That's what I want. I'm sure."
One of the other judges whispered something in his ear and he nodded. "Very well. You may both go to Solace. Welcome to your afterlife." I looked at Eleanor, stunned. She hugged me, a big smile on her face. "Why would you do that? You just threw away everything for me." The truth is I could never have a peaceful afterlife knowing she was wandering forever and ever, probably not even remembering me. And Solace wouldn't be bad at all. After all, it was my brother's idea. Named after him too. We could be just as happy there as in Elysium.
The dream changed again. Eleanor was replaced with Will. Tears were streaming down his face. "Please," he said. "It's not fair." I squeezed his hand. "I know," I said. "But life is only precious because it ends. Remember? If you keep bringing me back, at what point does my life become totally meaningless?" I could see the desperation in his eyes. For a moment I saw myself saying yes. Going home. But this was my home now. I'd cheated death too many times already. I hugged him so tight and thanked him for making this new place so I didn't have to spend my afterlife wandering forever, not remembering my own name, or in paradise but not paradise because Eleanor wasn't there. I told him I loved him. I said other things too, though I'm not sure what they meant. Then I told myself after this, I'm going to say goodbye. And then I'm going to walk away with my head held high. And that's what I did.
The dream changed for the third time and Eleanor was back. She was squeezing my hand, tears in her eyes. If felt like a long time had past. Years. Though she still looked not a day over 17. "Isn't that what you want?" she asked me. "You want to see them again. I know you do." My family. My friends. My dad and Will and Vie and Austin and so many others. People who had achieved Elysium three times and were now living a perfect afterlife in the Isle of the Blessed. A few hundred years might have passed since I last saw them, but their names and faces and voices still burned in my mind clear as day. I wanted so badly to see them again. "But I promised." I said. "I promised I wouldn't leave you. Ever. You remember what my dad said. We aren't soulmates and that means...if we choose to get reborn...we may never see each other again." "But we will," she said. "If we really love each other, we'll always find a way back to each other."
I kissed her, feeling those butterflies all over again just like I did the first time I fell in love with her. Just like I do every single time I look at her. Then we walked away from each other, our heads held high despite the tears. "I swear on the Styx that I will find you again one day," I called to her. You have to be very careful when swearing on the Styx. But I needed to make that swear. More for myself than for them. I needed to know that this wasn't goodbye forever. She nodded. "I love you, my Little Pitcher," she told me. And that's where the dream ended.
I don't know why I had that dream. If it was telling me the future, or just one possibility of the future. It it's real that confirms my thought from the other day about my afterlife and that I'm really not a bad person. If it is the future though, then I need to know the ending. Do Eleanor and I ever see each other again after that? Please say we do. I can't lose her. I won't let anything or anyone take her from me. I wonder if I should tell anyone about the dream or if I should just ignore it. I'm thinking the first one. But I'm scared of course. Why would I have a dream like that if it wasn't trying to tell me something?
