I'm not okay. I wish I'd never met Eleanor.
I don't want to die. It's something that I think about all the time. But I don't want to die. I just don't want to live like this. What does my future look like right now? I could date Atabey but Will would hate me and I don't want that. It wouldn't be fair to her either because she's not my first choice. And honestly I don't think I'm ready to even think about romance or dating or anything again. Not now. Maybe not ever again. It hurts so much every time I try. I'm thinking about asking Rowan to be my queer-plantonic partner again like what we planned in December, assuming he doesn't hate me. I mean, he should. He doesn't. At least everything felt totally normal between us at the wedding.
Eleanor's having two surgeries this week. She said she's scared and if she hadn't cheated maybe I'd be the one comforting her and refusing to leave her side, instead of Livi. She asked how she was going to pay for it but I'm sure her rich girlfriend will take care of that.
That was mean. I don't care. Just another reason she should pick Livi and not me. I don't think I'm cut out for the whole dating thing anyway. I don't trust people.
I keep saying I want to get better but it makes me wonder what I really mean by that. Do I want to stop hurting myself on purpose? Absolutely. I want to stop hating myself. Sometimes I wonder what would be different if Austin hadn't died. I'd still be a hunter, wouldn't I? Or would I? I really don't know. Or how would it be different if Will didn't have all of his kids? He'd be going to college, working in the infirmary with me and Vie. How often would we see Dad? Or what if I stayed in Toronto like I said I would in December? But then Will would still hate me probably. There are a lot of possibilities. In any of those situations, I never would've met Eleanor. I never would've known how much love can hurt.
I'm thinking about asking Will to check me into a hospital like Ollie and Livi. I'm not sure if it helped either of them but I think it's worth a try.
I hope the people there can make me better.
