Writings of Expression

I'm Just Tired

You say to my face that I am broken,
But I am more whole than ever before!
What seems like pieces to you is not
That I promise because I am whole.

We fight a lot, yet you are still blind!
Blind to the truth that I see you plainly.
Losing your cool, you claim I hurt others
Pain I cause, yes, but not for reasons you say.

You say I share to friends and hurt them,
But I see them as family because of you.
Family gets hurt you say because I turn away.
Have you even looked back to when I was young?

As a child, I looked for love, but found none.
While Mom stressed herself to sleep each day,
You games the night away on your laptop.
Gaming was all I learned from you, Father.

Each time I called for either of you in pain,
It felt like both of you never heard or helped.
Both of you chose to worry about yourselves,
Leaving your oldest to be the parent at times.

When I have searched for love, I've been shunned.
For I sought pain, or anger, you drew closer
While Mom only drew close when I went numb.
Wishing to heal, I hurt. Desiring to hurt, I healed.

My life has been such a flip flop between two,
Healing and love, pain and anger, always each day.
Because I felt like I couldn't be a brother, I distanced.
Because I couldn't be a son, I retreated from all.

Yet every time I seek to end it all, I find family.
Do you know how it feels? To long for death,
Only to find a family that pulls you from the brink?
That has been my life for over a decade now, Father.

You raised me to think and to blindly believe in faith,
Yet you never expected me to rebel against religion.
Molding like a potter, not expecting me to Pinocchio.
I've severed the strings and walk my path alone.

Several times I leaned towards romance and love,
Yet every time I felt unworthy because of my past.
Experience taught me to be wary of love, so I am.
Despite wanting love, I shun it to not be hurt again.

We fight because you care for me, or so you say.
Your words make me hate speaking, sharing my heart.
Lies are all I hear and pick out, because I'm done.
I don't want to feel anymore, but I still do out of hope.

Feeling has hurt me too many times to count,
But I can't help being hopeful for a miraculous change.
I want to be on good terms with you, my Father,
Yet I can't help expecting you to never change.

I once was proud we were so similar, yet now I'm not.
All because you use it to say you know what I'm going through.
If you knew, you wouldn't have left me alone as a child.
Were that true, would I still be as scarred as I am?

We both know the answers to that. There's nothing to say.
I have trusted you many times, only to be betrayed.
You say to trust you, but I gave you a final try.
Perhaps you still recall that day, the day your son died.

Yes, the day the fairly obedient son of yours died and became me.
I am the brat that remains from your trusting son,
The demon who treats you like filth for past sins.
May you never wake the slumbering dragon, Father.

I found a father figure, and when I needed you most,
All you did was see it and then cut me further in pieces.
My pain is a wedge never budging, as it may never heal.
I just wish you knew how much you hurt me that day.

Honestly, that day was the first that I considered dying.
Since then however, I have resisted that desire to die,
Mainly to spite you and make life that much more fun.
Perhaps that has given you a taste how my life went.

Thankfully, I have met many who have shown me love
But without them I know I would have died alone.
For that reason, I choose my "friends" over you.
Those other call friends are those I call MY family.

Yes, my words may be cutting deep, dear Father,
But assure you that you are not alone in this.
While I will be nicer to Mother, it's because she cared.
She was almost as bad as you, but at least she changed.

I remember crying myself to sleep after smashing the PS2,
All because I wanted to show you I could be like you.
I snapped each game disk you handed me, feeling hollow
Wondering why I had to break the one thing that connected me to you.

Mom, you stressed and worried because Dad never seemed to care.
Yet I had the honor of watching you grow as a person.
I watched as you grew to love as a mother and not worry as much.
But I wish you had done that sooner, so I wasn't so alone.

I have loved and dated, yet not once have I felt complete.
Each time, I tried to tell myself I was content, but I wasn't.
Settling is just not something I can do, thanks to you.
Instead I have searched far and wide in my reach.

Only one so far has helped me feel complete and not alone,
But she doesn't see me that way and she likely never will.
So now I must be content being alone and in pain.
Love just may not be for me, in this life or ever.

I'm tired of pain, feeling alone, dreaming, and loving.
Nothing I do seems to work, but I keep trying anyways.
Sleeping only to never wake up would be nice,
But right now I have too much to do before I can do that.

Dad, you hurt me the most as a child, so I cut you off.
Mom, you've done your best and I love you for it.
Love, you just don't seem to want me, so I'll be gone.
None of you will be rid of me though, that I promise!