Double Trouble

Chapter 22

Neliono

FUCK. FUUCK. FUUUUCK. 

Li has an anxious attack and only because I noticed too late that the whole situation is just too much. The teasing was nice and ... yeah just like our normal, carefree behavior which saw nobody else except of Oskari and Lys who I think wouldn't mind if we are a bit less like we are. Not our problem and they both also know how much it takes us to be so carefree and 'normal'. 

Of course we can act normal and just like normal ones in our age, but that would be such an act. Nothing more, nothing less. Our real side is very rare for anybody else to see and it last ,especially Li very long, to show it, to live it really again. That's also the reason why I'm nevertheless from the panic attack more than happy and glad to see her this way. Yes, she is annoying and yes, she can be a real asshole, but likely that way then see her hurt and traumatized. 

She fought, she teased and she talked. Which is very, very meaningful if you know about the terrible and sick actions from those motherfuckers making her to lose her voice for over 3 years. My anger grows only by the thinking of them. And I'm not Li who is the devil personally. Trust me. 

Anyways. 

Why is she sitting on the floor- oh ohhh shit! 

The anxious attack. 

I kneel down immediately, grab her wrists and hold her head on my chest. Like always in such situation. Listen to my heartbeat, helps her to come to her own normal breathing back and calm down again. Hopefully it will work this time too. At the moment it doesn't seems so ...

"It's okay. I'm here. Only I. Nobody else." - I try to speak some sweet words to her but that was the moment when she breaks down completely. 

The room was filled up with silent, because those stick figures finally leave, until now. Sobs are the only things which can be heard. Sobs from my little sister and each one breaks my heart even more. I hate to see her that way, I'm always so helpless ... I would do everything to take it off her, but the only thing which I can do, is comforting her and wait. As hard as it is. 

The sobs get louder and louder, and it doesn't seem that she's calming down. More like she's hyperventilating. I slide beside her in front of the couch, sling my arm around her shoulder and pull she as near to me as possible. Scared to loose her, see her fall if I loosen my grip on her.

Her whole body is shaking, tears are rolling down her checks. She pulled her legs near to her body and her hand cowers her mouth. Likely don't want to let our brothers here her in this state. She finds it vulnerable, weak. But for me it shows how strong she is. How many things she has been through, unfortunately, and nevertheless she is still here. By me. Forever. Maybe I couldn't rescue her in the past - from this sick men, this non - humanity treatment and the R.O.O.M. 

I only experience the R.O.O.M twice and it was enough to now what fucked up things happened there. Only the abbreviation says enough about the things happened there. 

Ruthless. Obedient. Obscure. Improvement. 

It's a whole floor in the building from the Russians with one rooms for each trainings topic. In general it was built up to improve children', young people' skills and make them to their own soldiers. Each topic was harmful and full - planned. 

Ruthless. 

You were forced to harm other, innocent people and you cannot do something against it. Children, mothers, ill people, grandmas, grandpas or a whole family. They eyes held nothing else then fear. I don't know from where all those people came, but it's hard to image what they're thinking in that moment. On the one who they love? Who they forget to say 'bye'? Or did they know that they would end up there? I don't know, but only the one time I was watching Li and Lione in that room was enough for me to image how hard and just ruthless they forced them to be. Sick.