Loving Mother 💠[2] Delilah-Jo Voight

A new Normal?

Lexi rose sat at the island counter as I did her hair. My life wasn't anything special. I barely had any energy for anything these days. Between cancer, the baby and the fact I can't take a lot of my medications I'm in a tight spot. "Can I stay with you mum" Justin asks "not today" I said instantly frowning as I see the heartbreak on his face. "Your going to your dads" "will we see grandpa" "probably" I shrug making sure they all have everything. "Can I go" Alvin asks "I talk to Jay but remember your mine" I said tickling his side making him laugh. "He won't say no" "we don't know he could have something planned" he pauses and nods. He was the one that was hurt by this the other kids obviously were but they weren't effected it like normal.

I pass two bags to jay. The kids have clothes at each of our houses so they were just filled with there favourite things. "You know I hate this I want you here" "the fact that you were fine it killed me" "do you want me to hate you" "well no" "I don't know what you want me to do then" "nothing I don't I want you to be mad I want you to punish me I did the wrong thing" I said "you didn't seem to punish me" "stop comparing" "sorry do you are you sure that it's his and something else didn't happen" "no" "I'm not going to punish you Dede your doing that for the both of us" he smiles sadly playing with my my hair "Vinny wants to know if he can hang out" "of course he can tomorrow Kelly has something planned tonight" "yeah bring him over I'll never exclude him think it would hurt me more" he smiled following our kids into the house. It was obvious both of us wished we were together.

I sat opposite him in likes place. "Ok but are we sure we both woke up with clothes on I mean how many times have you done it and gotten up and got dressed" "ok never but it's the simplest answer" "it is" he sighs "how about we live on the side of not certain until you know we actually know" I roll my eyes "what it comes out with blue eyes or blonde hair I don't know if you know this but I have those" "it's called a dna test" "what if it comes back negative" "how about we look into what happened that night" "Jay can't know I blew my relationship up over this I I can't live with myself already and if something worse happened" "maybe stop blaming yourself until we know for sure let Jay in his your husband" "that I could have cheated on" I snap "maybe stop with the hatred it's not going to help anyone" I sigh nodding "you know besides Luke your the only one who can talk to me like that it was always Justin's thing and well like is another brother" "I'll take that...you and Jay belong together Lilah don't ruin that on a current maybe" I sigh nodding.

"Princess" I look over to the door smiling when I see Luke. "I only ever heard Kelly call you princess Voight you've always been protective over the nickname" "Justin called her princess Millie I just called her princess" Luke said "Adam meet Luke my cousin...what are you doing here you said" "you weren't answering and I was worried" he shrugged hugging me.

It was a few hours of Luke, Adam and I talking before a knock at the door broke us. "I got it" Luke said opening the door. "You look like her and you have her eyes so do you...princess your children are here" I heard him say "you must be jay man she speaks so highly of you" "who are you" I hear Justin ask his not normally the one asks "your Luke right uncle Justin told me about you" MillieFlorence said I could see Luke and didn't miss how he tensed. Small comments like that made me realise how long she was around before it all fell apart. "How old were" "I was four" "I'm MillieFlorence I usually get called Millie moon uh uncle Adam calls me Flo" "she has lots of nicknames" Aniyah sassed I didn't have to see her to know she rolled her eyes. Justin latches onto me holding me tightly. "He couldn't see...Ruz" Jay said pausing when he saw Adam. I could see him doing math in his head. I struggle to lift Justin but somehow manage it and get in front of jay before he said anything. "Hey don't do anything you'll regret especially not in front of the kids" he looks at me before nodding taking my hand letting me lead him into the kitchen. "You could come home" he said as I pass him a note making him confused "not divorce papers right" "no just read not out loud" he nods. It was the report from the psychiatrist about Justin. Anxiety, abandonment, separation anxiety, "what do the stars mean" "she explained that in the sense of there are obvious signs there but no test has been done she did explain to me that these stars could also be like he has several noticeable factors but not enough to have a diagnosis" I adjust Justin who had nestled into me, become one with my body if you will. His heavy though his ten after all so his not light. I'll carry him as long as I can and I know a few months I can't. I organise the plates with one hand making a snack. "She said a lot of people on this planet can have signs of things like autism or adhd but not actually have it she used the example of how many people hyper fixate on topics and things or how some people just move from one topic to another it doesn't mean anything it might just be apart of their personality...she did recommend getting them though just so we can know definitively so we can assist and help him" "he asleep" Jay asks moving closer and moving Justin's hair "he hasn't been sleeping and asking for you a lot" I nod "his asleep...didn't you and Kelly get Vinny tested" "adhd" I nod rocking "his not on anything" "that's because me and his therapist found ways to help him enough so he can function without it apparently as he grows this won't always be the case it also helps that he has a second teacher in his room so they can accomodate him think he would be on medication if she wasn't there...sometimes he just needs to run or he can't change topics she's there" I go to adjust Justin only to have jay take him clearly seeing how it was getting uncomfortable "there is like four kids in the room that she caters to something like that she gives them times when it's coming to an end so it's not a shock takes them outside to run when they need it but even she's saying his getting harder" I rub Justin's back "it's why Justin can't sleep isn't because he of the separation anxiety" I nod "the abandonment is from what I understand because of seeing so many people hurt with us sometimes gone you more than me don't feel like it's your fault mine came from my dad being shot but you haven't been shot thankfully" he smiles "move home if not for me for them I know moon isn't bubbly like normal" I glance out there seeing Luke talk to them. "So Luke's here" "I didn't answer his messages and he has time off" Jay smiles nodding "I love you" he said making me pause. Guilt flooded my body but I knew "I love you to more than anything" i said, I knew at least that hadn't changed. "Moon has been struggling with what happened and I haven't been there enough or I'm trying to keep five kids alive I know she hasn't been sleeping but she likes to pretend she's fine because she knows that this one is far worse than her" I hum nodding "you know you could call me" "I don't want to wake you the cancer already made you tired now your pregnant and if I remember correctly that made you exhausted you come off your meds" "Jay you know no matter what I'll be there for all of them and if all of them is to much Alvin doesn't have to stay" "na it's ok they don't need more chaos" I smile "so it's Adams" I run my hand through my hair. I instantly felt like I couldn't breath. Of course I told him but we never actually talked about it. "As he so kindly pointed out neither one of us remember sleeping together that's not saying it didn't happen but we both woke up fully clothed obviously something that doesn't normally happen often after sex so" "so your going to stop pushing me away on a maybe" "I can't help but hate myself over this would you if at the end of this if it is Adams would you hate me" "maybe a little but if you can forgive me which I still strongly believe is far worse I actively did it while you made a mistake" "can you stop bringing it up yours I mean it brings up horrible memories" he nods kissing my head "we also have five kids and your weird best friend" I can't help but laugh "I feel so guilty when I look at you" "we don't know you did anything" "I think the alternative is far worse so if I have to tell myself I slept with Adam so I don't have to think of the alternative" "now I get it" he mused pulling me to him "so we live on the fact that your pregnant with his baby" "how are you so calm if the roles were reversed I would kill you and despite now being a Halstead I'll always have a little Voight in me" he laughs shaking his head "I know you definitely kill me i think I don't want to kill because we don't know...I know for certain that I hate that your pregnant to someone else also know you'd never get rid of the baby...definitely know that I'll hate it more as you start to show and it's more obvious" I nod "right now think truthfully I can trick myself into thinking this is a nightmare" "I don't deserve you" "oh how the roles have reversed" he mused chuckling. I couldn't help but love his lighthearted nature at this very moment. I also knew he had said that more than once after he cheated on me. "I'll move in your right about one thing five kids is exhausting and it's better if we are in the same house" he smiled "your welcome to join me in the bed to but we do have a guest room which I suppose is going to be a nursery now" he said thoughtfully I just nod against him "mumma I want to join an art club" Lexi rose declared as she walked in "mumma can we read" "now I'm pretty sure I have two more kids" I said "uncle Luke and Vinny are racing as for Niyah she's taking to Adam" MillieFlorence said I walk over hugging the two girls "did someone die" Lexi rose asks looking between me and jay making us laugh "no no one died" I assure her smiling at most of the people I love.