Meant For You

twenty-five.

Nola Scott

As soon as Ember left my room last night, I did my nighttime routine and knocked out. It had been a long day and I was ready for it to be over. My morning started off great. The first hour of practice was easy. I was gliding through the ice, my jumps were on point, and my choreography seemed clear. But the hours after that... I have no idea what had been happening.

I couldn't seem to do anything right and my frustration was building quickly. Coach Laurel tells me to try my jumps again separately or in their sequence. I haven't landed a jump since the first hour of practice. As I skate over to the edge of the rink, I notice a familiar body making their way to the middle of the stands.

Miles. He's here.

My heart begins to race even more than before. When I invited him to my practice earlier this week, I didn't think I would be doing shitty. Him being here just pushes me to do better. He spots me when he sits, sending a closed-lipped smile my way. I return it before looking away and taking a deep breath. You can do this, Nola. Don't embarrass yourself now.

I take a step out into the ice and start moving, preparing for my quad flip. When it comes, I use all the power I have inside of me to lift myself into the air. Coming down, I lose my balance falling on my butt. Ugh. "That's okay, we're still working on that one," Coach Laurel tells me. I know, but I've hit it before. Making sure not to spend too much time on the ice, I stand and reposition myself on the ice.

Deciding not to look up and embarrass myself, I start to do the choreography that leads up to one of my jump sequences. My music isn't playing through the speakers at the moment so I mumble it in my head. Gaining momentum, I jump up to do a triple flip into a triple toe loop. After the second jump, I'm back on the floor. Groaning, I slap the ice before getting back up.

Coach Laurel stays quiet, letting me work through my emotions on my own. She knows how I can get when I start to get frustrated. "Let's do your double axel," she speaks. One of the easiest jumps in my routine. Nodding, I step into the ice, doing some quick skating before doing as I'm told. Surprisingly, I land it. A sense of relief flushes over me. I don't know what would have happened if I didn't land this one.

"Yeah!!" I look up at the stands to see Miles cheering and clapping even though I landed the most basic jump. My lips lift a fraction as I get back to it. No more doubles, Nola. Taking a deep breath, I set up again, trying my triple lutz. Just like my triple attempts before, I completely blow it, falling down.

What is happening?

Yesterday, practice didn't go too well and I wasn't hitting my jumps but today?! This is even worse than yesterday. I've done the triple lutz for over a year now. I have the jump down. So why am I not hitting it? My chest falls and rises quicker than before as I stand again. I try my best not to look at anyone for too long. Focus. Focus.

For the next ten minutes, I stick to spins and choreography as I prepare myself for jumps again. Even though I haven't attempted a jump, my anxiety prickles at my skin. I should've known I wasn't good enough to do this. In two months time, I'm going to be competing against the best of the best and I can't even stick a fucking triple lutz. What's wrong with me?

"Nola, you okay?" Coach Laurel asks. I keep my hands on my hips, trying to slow my breathing that's slowly getting uneven. No panic attacks today, Nola. It's been so long without one, calm down. I mumble something like 'yes' to her but my throat seemed to close up after that. Skate. Just skate and it'll go away, it always does.

My body moves on the ice without trying. This isn't foreign to me, I've been doing it my whole life. I could close my eyes and do this next jump. It was one of the first triples I learned. Taking an uneven deep breath I do a triple salchow. Once my body hits the ice for the hundredth time, my insides start to react. I don't get back up, my breathing is too uneven to control, and my heart beats so quickly that I feel like I'm dying.