Will You Let Me Love You?

chapter 38

[Miley's POV]

We decided to just call it a day after picking out and paying for the dresses. We all went to mine and Justin's house and I made us some lunch and then they left and said they'd be back tomorrow. Leaving me by myself, I sit on the couch in the living room and watch tv. Not so bad, I'm here by myself, no big deal.

I get back up and find a wine glass and go to our little wine cellar that no one knows about and get a bottle and bring it back to the living room. Aye, we gotta keep that a secret. We're not 21 yet. I pour myself a glass and drink it while I watch movies. I pour glass after glass until I'm a bit tipsy. I don't know why I'm going this, it just seems that when I'm alone...I get to thinking. Thinking about all kinds of stuff.

Thinking about how much better Justin's life would be without me in it. Everyone knows the hardship I've put him through. All the confusion with Luke, and me going 'crazy'. He's probably terrified for me right now. He's always worrying about me. He'll call me every hour or two hours when he's at the studio wondering if I'm okay and just checking up on me.

I wish he'd stop. Stop worrying about me so Damn much and just enjoy his day and enjoy doing what he does best, making music. I feel like such a burden on him sometimes and I don't even know why. But I guess everything will be alright. I mean, even after all of this drama I've put him through, he still wants to marry me. Me, a broken person. Wow...didn't think anyone ever would. It seems like every time someone comes into my life and we become close, they find out about me and then they leave. Leave me just standing by myself. Helpless and crying, wanting them to stay. But they don't. Everyone always leaves.

That's why I've never told Justin about my depression. I didn't wanna loose him, or Katie for that matter. Neither of them knew about this side of me til I went to the hospital for almost killing myself. That's why they were in such shock. They've never known me to do something like this. I mean Yea both of them I'm sure has seen cuts on me before, but I guess they didn't pay it no mind or maybe they didn't know what it was from. I believe Justin tried to bring it up one time about two years ago, but I changed the subject and made him forget what he was about to ask me. I never wanted anyone to know about it. No one. Not even my mom, but of course she found out. I just made her promise not to tell anyone. She didn't, which I'm glad.

But, what if all of this isn't real? What if Justin is only marrying me because he has pity for me and he feels like he needs to? Like it's his obligation to or something? I hope not. Nah I don't think so. What me and Justin have together feels so real. Yea he's my best friend so that's probably the most reason...but it's also something else. Something more powerful than I've ever felt with any one of my ex's. Love, that's what it is. I know it, but it's a very powerful love that I can't control. Like a deep, burning desire to always have him with me. Not physically, but just here with / for me, ya know, being together. He is literally my everything. That's probably why God made it to where we'd be together. And I'm so happy for that. I honestly couldn't ask for anyone better in my life than him.

And with those thoughts lingering in my mind while I'm a bit, 'not all there' with the wine settling in, I doze off to sleep on the couch.

(A/N: omg I haven't updated in like forever! but I'm glad I finally did...and this chapter, specifically, reflects on what I'm going through in my life right now. I'm going through a hard time because I'm in love with my best friend, but his parents are keeping us from dating. He's 15 [almost 16] and I just turned 17 and his parents seem to think that I'm "too old for him" and it's breaking us apart. I have literally cried so hard while he holds me that I feel faint because we both know that his parents won't approve of us being together and it hurts so bad...I'm 10 weeks clean but 2 nights ago I almost gave up. On everything. I felt like I couldn't take it anymore, not being able to have him. I started blaming myself because of his parents and I told him that I'm through and I'll miss him...of course that freaked him out because he knows that I'm suicidal. He is too, so he said if I did it, he would too because he couldn't live without me. If I was gonna be gone, he would be too. But I couldn't allow him to do that, so I told him I'd stay, just for him and he was so much happier. I just wish one day we can be together again without his parents trying to control everything he does :/...anyway, sorry for that long ass story about my fucked up life, I just wanted to tell y'all mainly why I wrote this chapter the way I did and to inform y'all on What's been going on with me. But I love y'all so much for sticking around to read my story, even when I take forever on the updates lol❤)

June 10, 2015