Last Friday Night ~ tamber

11 ~ 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒂 𝒎𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒔𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈

It's Saturday again and I can feel the hair in my mouth again. Isn't that funny? Tara spent the night at my house. Nothing happened between us. She just didn't want to be alone after yesterday's confession. I understand it. In this whole situation, it's better to be with someone than alone. I know Liv or Mindy would have been better at supporting her, but she didn't want to tell them.

Tara trusted me with a big thing. I hope I behaved properly. That's all I can do for her. Of course, it wasn't my dream to hold her half the night in bed, but I had to. She had some kind of panic attack. It was hard for me to end it because of how complicated our relationship is.

I didn't know what to say to her. "I am always there for you?" I know I won't. After all, she is still Sam's sister. I don't want to let her into my life at all. Yesterday was just a misunderstanding. I thought she came to fuck with me again. But we talked. A lot. I told her about Jill, she told me about Wes. It just happened, I don't understand why. Just because I don't hate her, it doesn't make me like her. But she needs me.

And here comes the problem. I can't be with her all the time. I'll pay attention to her in school, but outside of school everything must be as it was. I'm just afraid that she might have feelings for me. I'm the first girl she's had contact with. It's kinda a big thing in her life. But if she felt something, our relationship must end.

I pulled away and turned to the other side. At night she asked me to hold her because she couldn't sleep. I didn't want to do it, I refused but also I felt sorry for her. I finally agreed. It was awkward and I didn't feel good at all.

It's sick that once we want to kill each other and then we cuddle. Maybe I just messed up? The thing is, I don't cuddle. I don't give others comfort and I am not nice person. I feel weak now. It's not me.

I got out of bed and grabbed my cigarettes and phone and went to balcony. I sat down with the ashtray on the chair. I started smoking and check my phone just to see a lot of messages from people. I see now that Tara's visit wasn't all that unannounced. She sent me many messages about it but I just ignored everyone. I also ignored Mindy.

the sexy one: where are you?

the sexy one: amber?

the sexy one: answer? i need to know

the sexy one: typical you.

Fuck it. I completely forgot I was supposed to see her. I messed up between us again. Others mainly wrote about the fact that there was a party...blah blah blah...and that I should come over. Or would going there be better? Then I would have avoided the whole situation.

And then, among the many ignored messages, I spotted this one.

Samantha Carpenter: why I see my sister's location in YOUR house?!!!!!

Me: why are you spying on her?

Me: chill, we talked

Me: I didn't get any base

I know I pissed her off. But now I have the power, not Sam. Too bad it got to me so late. Turns out she should be afraid of me, not me of her. I like it. It calms me down and gives me shivers at the same time. If she hadn't been such a coward and told Tara the whole truth, I wouldn't have had the advantage.

Oh my God, someone texted something in an old group conversation again. I haven't used it for a long time. It's a group back when the six of us tried to be friends. Didn't work for me.

Livvv: saturday, 8pm, party at mine

Livvv: everyone has to come

Livvv: i quickly remind you that it's my birthday and I want gifts