Last Friday Night ~ tamber

30 ~ 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

I looked up, focusing on the window. Throughout the house, this is the only light that comes out. It's quiet and dark outside. I wipe my face, embarrassed at myself and the situation I find myself in. It's not my style. I shouldn't care. I could be hanging around a club somewhere with some girl right now. Or I could just lie in bed and not care about any of it. It's almost midnight but I'm here.

It wasn't my fault, so why did I come to apologize? Have I become weak? I can still turn back, but some strange part of me wants to stay and move forward.

I gripped the gutter as high as I could and put my foot on its bracket. I pulled myself up and put another foot down. It shouldn't be difficult. The window is not that high. As I got higher and higher, I began to feel uneasy. Not just from the fact that I might fall and break myself. I have no idea why I'm climbing at all.

I'm already at the right height. If I fall now, I'll probably break my neck. I'm looking down and can barely see anything because of how dark it is. I won't go down. Either I go in or I stay on this gutter forever.

Please, don't be naked or I'll look like a pervert...I looked out the window and saw Tara. She is lying on the bed cuddled up in a pillows. She looks sad. I raised my hand but hesitated. Why did I come here?

I think I have to do it. I'm afraid to get down, so all I have to do is knock. I gently tapped the glass twice.

The girl quickly turned around and looked at me. Tara opened her mouth and then ran to the window. She probably doesn't understand what I'm doing. I could send her a message, walk in the door, call her on face time...but no. I climbed up the gutter.

She lifted window up, so I leaned against the sill. God, watch over me so that I don't fall.

— Hi — I said

— What are you doing here? — she asked softly — Come.

I got inside, careful not to slip and break my neck. Tara closed the window behind me and leaned against the wall.

— I was afraid because you didn't call.

She asked me to do it but I didn't. I spent the day trying not to think about her. It didn't work out as it was supposed to.

— I didn't know what to tell you — I told her — I still don't know.

There were a few seconds of awkward silence. Just because I came here doesn't mean I know why.

— I'm sorry I accused you — she said

— It wasn't nice, but you had reasons. I've thought about it, I know what it looked like in your eyes. I just got mad because...— I walked over and sat on her bed — because I'm really trying to be better.

This all is very difficult for me. I'm already losing who I am and what I want from life. I don't understand many things.

— I know you do.

— I hope you get it that I had to help Jill — I looked at Tara hopefully — It's very easy to overdose on heroin. If something happened to her...

I couldn't stand it. It would break me. That would be the end of me.

— I read on the Internet about it. I was afraid...you might take it with her — she said hesitantly — But seriously, I'm so proud of you that you didn't. It's a big step.

I bit the inside of my cheeks and looked at the floor. I didn't take it but I still have it at home. I didn't throw it. First Tara stopped me, and then I felt so tense that I just couldn't do it.

And it's not like I wanted to take it. I didn't and still don't want to. I just don't have the courage to throw it out.

— I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away that she was staying with me.