World vs me

This wasn't what i wanted

I can't even remember what my first trigger was. All i know is that i have trauma that i don't ever talk about. Wishing that i could just leave boys where they are and focus on myself but i just can't. I want happiness but i know not to look for it in someone else. And sometimes i hate myself for stringing you along with my misery. This isn't what i wanted. I don't want a life with someone that i'm scared to hurt. That just means i have to keep lying and faking.   When i look down on my past, I don't feel any different. I'm still scared. My fear might just have gotten worse. I'm stuck in a haze that has gotten me angry and hurt. Being in my head was the best thing because i became more aware and smart. But it was the worst thing because it turned me against everyone, even the people i should hold close. The way i always used to let my guard down just to make someone feel comfortable was my weakness. I felt like i was playing a game and i lost every time.