Trapped (Amorist Series #1)

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Sometimes our way to heal is torment.

I know how it is supposed to be done, but Eira's right. . . “Knowing and doing is a different thing.”

Do I even deserve to receive that kind of love he gave? I mean, who am I to be the person that the other people are ready to sacrifice themselves with? How can someone be sure about their feelings for somebody?

Only if I asked this question to myself before, I may not have an answer for it, but now, I have one.

True feelings never doubt, and the person who receives it is the one who'll most likely to feel that way, and yeah, that's what I currently feel.

Kevin taught me how to love, how it feels to be loved, and I will always cherish that. He taught me how to take care of someone with all your heart. I didn't reciprocate what he gave to me, but I will make the person I love receive it, with me, doing the same thing he did, which is to wait and not demand for it to be reciprocated.

Ako nagbabantay kay papa, sa araw na nagising siya ay ang araw na dinala ako sa hospital bilang pasyente. Ayaw sana nila mama kaso nagpumilit ako. Pinagsasabay ko ang pagbabantay at ang pag-aaral.

The doctor even told me na magpahinga ako, nabigla kasi ang katawan ko sa pagbalik ng mga alaala ko. It all happened when we were sixteen.

Dalawang taon na ang lumipas, ang bata pa talaga namin no'n, hindi ko matanggap na kami ang napili niyang gawin na biktima.

Ang sabi sa 'kin halos anim na buwan daw akong tulala, hindi makausap ng maayos, hanggang sa napagdesisyunan nila mama dalhin ako sa isang ward. Tapos doon may pinaggagawa na inabot ng tatlong buwan bago ako bumalik sa dati. Akala ko normal lang ito na pagamutan, lagi kasing tugon ni mama na mahina ang resistensya ko tuwing tinatanong ko siya bakit ang tagal na namin do'n.

Then my brain made its own way to protect itself, it erased those memories. But there is a price, the constant need to fulfill the gap or the void. And my family thinks that in order for me to heal I need to get away from the place where it happened.

Swerte na lang na nakakuha ako ng scholarship sa Manila, maswerte rin ako na naroon si Melian. I missed a lot of things because of it, though I got into college with a year skipped from school as I took an acceleration test.

He told me not to blame myself, but how can I? When supposedly he only gave me the love that I thought I have never felt, and it costs his life.

"Umiyak ka ba kagabi?" Sabi ni papa, napaayos ako ng upo at umiling.

Hindi ko man lang namalayan na gising na pala siya, nasa gilid ako ng kama niya umupo habang siya naman nakahiga.

He reached for my hands and gently squeezed it.

Alam kong namumugto ang mga mata ko dahil sa sunod-sunod na paghagulgol ko kagabi. Hindi ko matanggap na wala na siya, na isa ako sa dahilan kung bakit nangyari 'yon. Sana pala naniwala ako sa kutob ko, pinilit ko siyang umuwi na kami. Sana hindi na lang ako nagpatulong sa kanya, na hindi ko na lang siya hinayaan dalhin ang basket, baka sakaling buhay pa siya ngayon.

He have a lot of dreams in his life, at lahat ng mga 'yon ay tungkol sa mga taong mahal niya, imbes na dapat ay sa sarili niya ito naka-focus. Because for him, what matters the most, is the people he cherished and love.

"Ang panganay kong dise-otso umiiyak na naman," malambing na sabi niya, napalunok ako. "Pasensya na't hindi makagalaw si papa upang sana'y yakapin ka." Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya na nakapatong sa kamay ko, marahan ko itong pinisil at ngumiti.