Us. | A Joe Jonas FanFiction | Book 3

thirty.

Arriving back home in LA was a relief. As bad as it may sound, knowing Nick, Kevin, Pri, and Dani wouldn't randomly be walking in on us at any moment is more than calming with the amount of discomfort I find myself in, the symptoms only growing further. Over the few days after the new year, my breasts have grown sensitive and tender, my bloating makes me feel disgusting and the morning sickness shows no signs of fading away any time soon. Not to mention, I can't stop running to the bathroom constantly. After returning home last night, we picked up the pups from Joe's buddy who's been keeping them for us and as I sit here lounging beside the pool in the backyard, Porky lays by my side on the ground as Penelope jumps in and out of the pool, playing with Joe. My hand lies comfortably on my stomach as I watch Joe in awe, my mind wandering off at it always seems to do.

If I have to assume, I'd say I'm roughly seven weeks pregnant now which means I thankfully have a while before anyone begins to question me or any weight gain I may endure. Regardless, the bloating may give me away in and of itself, so I'm going to have to go through my wardrobe and figure out what to pack for the second leg of the tour that won't give me away. I guess I should start doing that soon. I also need to look ahead though, since we're not starting to travel again right now. How many weeks will I be when we start traveling? Even a rough estimate would help me plan, I suppose. But I've always heard women tend to start showing at different times, so it's going to be hard to plan when I'll need to be more cautious about my clothes. I guess I have the time to think about it.

I glance down to my bloated stomach, unable to stop myself from rubbing my thumb back and forth against the bare skin. There's a literal human inside of me. Which is still absolutely terrifying. Joe seems to be becoming more and more excited each day which makes me happy. I, however, still don't know how to feel. I want to be excited. I want to be looking forward to parenthood as much as Joe does... however, my want for this isn't easy to accept, my brain keeps kicking back at me, wanting me to worry and deny my actual want for a child at this point. I find myself continuously reverting back to my original thoughts of deciding to never have children. Do I still feel this way? Do I need to tell Joe that I don't want this so we can terminate the pregnancy? I've been thinking of this on a consistently loop since finding out about the pregnancy. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought of terminating and not telling him either. I would just tell him something happened, and I lost it. He'd understand... right? I mean, he'd probably just coddle me a bit, not understanding that I actually did it on purpose. I can't do that to him though. We're married, we're a team. If we were to do that, I'd need to include him in the decision, explain to him why it's what I want and that I decided that I can't do it after all. I mean, he knew from a long time ago that I never wanted kids and I know I said I'd be open to it because they'd be his, but I can't do this. I was never meant to be a mother. I'm going to screw this child up instantly. I'll probably drop them or something and they'll die. And if they live it wouldn't be good either because I'll royally screw them up mentally and they'll probably think I don't love them. Which of course I would because they'd be my kid, but they wouldn't know that because I would be the absolute worse mom in the entire universe. I would. I know I would. No, I don't want this. I can't have a kid. I can't do that. No. I can't do this. Fuck.

I rise from my seat, starting towards the house.

"Where you going?" Joe calls after me.

"I have to pee again!" I call back, rushing into the house and to the bathroom, emptying my bladder and wiping before looking down and blinking a few times, my eyes adjusting to the sight as a gasp escapes my lips. "No, no, no, no, no."

Getting up, I quickly wash my hands before going back outside, approaching Joe at the edge of the pool. "Something's wrong."

"What do you mean?" he asks, furrowing his brows.