Us. | A Joe Jonas FanFiction | Book 3

thirty seven.

Being a mother was never on my bucket list. It was never something that I had imagined would be in the cards for me. Even after meeting Joe and falling in love with him, for the longest time I was set on not having any children. Then came the day that I felt open to the idea. If I was going to be a parent, he's the only one I would want to do it with. Regardless, I still didn't foresee it happening anytime soon... until the pink lines showed up. By then, it was too late to change my mind.

Since I found out I was pregnant, I've been sitting with the uneasy feeling on becoming a mother. The notion that not only was I going to be a bad mother, but I was never meant to be one in the first place. How could I be a mother? A woman who grew up in a world where life was nothing but pain and discomfort and danger. And role models were the people you strived to fight or kill like not those who taught you how to ride a bike or sat on the edge of your bed listening and actually caring about your feelings. How was I meant to be a mother when I didn't have a maternal role model myself? I know guns and combat and how to shred emotion from my mind, not bottles and diapers and kissing boo-boos.

But, somehow... when the skin of my daughter was placed on mine, only seconds after she was born... it all disappeared. And the only thing I could fathom was the humanly impossible amount of love I felt for the small human lying on my chest, in my arms. How is it possible to love someone or something so much.

But then it came back. The doubt. The fear. The uneasy feeling. The positively charge of knowing that I will ruin this child... despite my love for her. Despite my love for the child I quite literally just gave birth to, the overpowering fear of destroying her allows me to keep my distance. The only exception being when she needed to be fed, as I had decided before she arrived to breast feed, knowing the health benefits it has for her. She, being who I assume she's going to be, caught on to latching very quickly, thank God. We had both read so many stories of breast feeding being such a challenge that I had imagined it being harder, but she immediately caught onto it, latching like a pro and feeding with no problems.

I'm not sure if Joe had caught onto my distance from our daughter as he has enjoyed holding her every moment, staring down at her in awe, yet still finding time to constantly check on me as well, making sure I'm not in too much pain or need anything. Yet now I can only feel guilty for not holding her, feeling as though I'm abandoning her. I'm not though, I'm feeding her... I'm here. Jeez, she's only been in the world for 6 hours and I'm already feeling guilty about not holding her. 7:47am.

"Hey," Joe speaks up, catching my attention from the wall I was currently staring at. "Kev just texted, he said both of our parents are at our place along with Kev, Dani, the girls, Nick and Pri. Are you feeling up to company, or no?" He asks, gently massaging my shoulder. "Don't feel like you need to say yes, it's totally up to you."

"Umm," I gulp. "I don't know... honestly."

He nods, pulling up a chair and grabbing my hand in both of his, placing a kiss on the back of it. "Hey..."

"I'm okay," I nod, not looking at him. "I'm okay. I just don't know if I'm ready, socially."

He nods, now catching onto my hesitation. "You're still feeling weary about her, aren't you?"

I let out a humorless laugh, shaking my head. "For a second... I thought maybe you'd be right."

"She was just born, my love," he says, rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb. "It may take some time."

I nod, gulping down the lump in my throat. "Maybe I should try to sleep, I haven't really gotten any sleep."

He nods. "Okay, yeah, try to sleep. She just ate 20 minutes ago, that should give you some time. I've got her. I'll tell them to wait a bit. Maybe by the time you're ready Hope and Tori and Stella will be there too."