My Living Nightmare Reincarnate

Give Into Her

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Give her what she truly wants.

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I need to do that for her at least. I can't do this much longer without Taylor. I thought maybe if I blamed her. Her memories would go away. But they just keep coming.

They're like a drug I'm addicted to. A drug I can't stop taking. Can't quit, the pain that it causes is an amazing feeling. I'm addicted to it. It fuels me in a way she did when she was alive. Her adrenaline was a complete, comfort to me, again, I was addicted.

The things she'd say, do, love. I'm completely lost without her light, her love. The way she guided me through life, to change.

I changed my ways all because of her and I can't thank her enough for that. Cause I really hated the way I would react to the slightest bit of disagreement, it was overbearing. Even for me. She took all my pain and made it her own, literally and figuratively. Again I can't thank her enough for that.

I need to give into her. Let her love me, comfort me, take me in her arms and never let me go. Let me cry into her. It's the only way I think would help her pass peacefully. And save me from this pain, planet. I need to let her do that, I need her comfort again. I need to feel her. Her touch takes away all the pain I've suffered and replaces it with nothing, but happiness and freedom. I've wanted nothing more than to feel her presence again.

Have her in my arms once more. Even having her near me would be enough for me.

But this life and death situation is enough to kill me inside. I can't live without her, she can't pass peacefully without me. There's this major gap between us, her in the sky, me down here on earth. It's unbearable. To be without her for as long as I have, is not happening any longer. I'm sorry Bill, Georg, Gustav, Angelina and my bodyguards. But I can't do this bullshit anymore. I need her, I crave her in ways you'd never understand.

Doing this shit without her by my side, is not going for much longer. I won't let it. I can't let it. We had made a promise to die together. Do everything together, even death, like I said. I need to fill this empty void I have from her passing. The way she looked at me while dying was a look that'll always haunt me.

Her eyes said 'dont leave me' while that's all her soul did. Was leave me. Leave her. Forcing me to stand there, crying like a damn fool. My future wife left me before I even got to put that damn diamond ring on her finger. It would've looked so fucking beautiful on her hand.

Her touch was cold now. When her touch was once fire. Full of light, love. She cared for me even after I'd beat the living hell out of her. I regret that, I really do. Everyone says to just let Taylor go but they didn't witness what would happen behind closed doors. What id let her do. Nothing heals this emptyness. Except her. She is what I need to get through another day.

But of course, I don't have her.

Every breath I've taken while she's been gone felt cold, wrong. Like I don't deserve to breathe the air she was supposed to have. The air I took, wrongfully.

I hope the scars she's caused, never leave my body. It's her love I'm lost in. And I'm tired of living this love that I no longer feel.

She kept my head from going under. She kept the coldness, warm. No one ever loved me the way she did. Even when I was fading and a complete fucking mess.

I'm held captive by her memories. She loved me like I've never felt pain. She held me tightly during every heartbeat. Even when she was terrified of me and what my next move might've been.

She'd even have the guts to fight back. I miss that. I miss her smile, even if it was fake. Although there were times where her smile was actually real, didn't hide it.

If only I showed her how much I actually appreciated her, loved her, cherished her. Showed her how much I actually really needed her and really wanted her. Wanted a normal life with her. Not some, toxic fake skeem that people believed to have been real 'love'. I wanted that with her.

A real love story. To tell our kid, grandkids. To tell family, friends. I didn't want this toxic life. I didn't want her to get caught up in all the dangerous activities that revolved around getting involved with me.

I feel, I may never experience that with anyone. Ever. The things we did, fought against, loved, lived through. I will never be able to express how I will never, ever, feel so safe and loved, again. The way she showed me love actually exists. She showed me that love does come in many different ways.

I give up.

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Sincerely, Tom.