Making sure the baby was asleep, I looked at him, taking in his features before putting him down back and walking over to my desk.
Jae'lynn was at work, so this didn't have to be harder than its suppose to.
Grabbing a few letter sized papers, I also grabbed envelopes writing specific names on them before I started writing personalized letters.
I made sure to include how my choice wasn't their fault. How it had nothing to do with them but I've been struggling for a while.
Many people will say it's selfish, they'll say I took the easy way out, that I was weak, but no weak man endures this for 23 years.
I've thought long and hard about how to make everyone happy but I can't do it anymore. The voices over-crowd my mind and takes away anything that it is good.
I feel happiness for a second but then I'm back to being sucked in this black hole of whim and dread.
I knew I shouldn't have made a family, made a life. There's only one place for me anyways.
I know my parent's think them coming back is some kind of super-power and just like that I would heal but I didn't.
I've been trapped in my mind since a youngster, there is so much a person can take. With these illnesses there is always a voice gnawing at the back of my head removing everything that is good from it.
It's new year right? Well new decisions will be made.
I can't keep doing this, pretending to be okay, pretending to be happy. Doesn't matter what anyone says, mental illness destroys you. And no-one will ever know how bad things get until they are in your place.
After finishing the letters, I heard crying and I smiled to myself getting up to share what may be the last moment with my son.
"Heyy poo-poo." I smiled, sniffling softly as he looked at me grabbing my cheeks.
"You brought happiness in my life. From di first time yuh born til' now. Mi know mi a deprive yuh of growing up with a father, but its better you grow with the memories of the good person I was than the moments of me being horrible and distant." I softly spoke rocking him as his eyes closed down.
"I love you," I kissed his little chubby jaws. "And you will be a living replica that I carried something good in this world." I mumbles as he drifted back in the sleep.
Putting him back down, I felt tears in my eyes as I exited the room my hands shaking as I went to the kitchen retrieving my gun from the counter.
Looking at it, I nodded wiping my eyes.
The ticket. The ticket for the voices to stop. For my mind to finally be at ease.
Reaching in my pocket, I took Jae'lynn's letter out securing it in my hand.
