don't you go // lrh

/five/

/hotel tales/

/amara/

I couldn't stop thinking about how the only kiss I've ever had. With a boy I longed for, for a long time. I mean he turned out to be an asshole so, it meant nothing in the end. I let him kiss me. And I kissed him back. Only to realize he's just using me for the favor of his parents, friends, and of course just for his advantage.

It really makes me feel wretched about myself.

And now? What if he's just bored and horny and that's why I'm here? Though before tonight I never really imagined someone actually feeling that for me.

I know if my friends and I could communicate telepathically, Maddie would applaud my impression of her. Until the end in the bus of course. Now that's a kiss anyone would kill for. I totally chickened out.

And probably also tell me to just chill the fuck out.

I'm a hardcore planner. I planned every second of this trip. Even down to someone getting sick. It's why I packed a bag of various medicines and pain killers just in case. And it actually came in handy!

But Maddie always says that's why I never have real fun. I never let myself go. I'm too preoccupied with if something is or isn't on the agenda.

I know if it were Maddie in my shoes, she'd let Luke kiss her.

Really kiss her.

I just couldn't anticipate something like this actually happening to me. I don't know how to react!

Especially not with someone like Luke who's totally expecting me to want to kiss him back and probably more!

And it's offensive! Dealing with Luke who has just assumed I'd let him kiss me because he called me pretty! Is that all it takes for him and groupies?

I'm a walking ball of anxiety and longing to be carefree. Spontaneous. Like Maddie. Like Jesse. Or even my mom.

My past with boys is very short. I am friends with two of the most gorgeous people ever. So whenever boys do speak to me, it's to ask their names or if they're single.

It was because all this, that I couldn't let Luke kiss me. I just know I'd be bad at it. And he'd be disappointed. And so would I because it would kill me to do something just to protect his probably fragile ego.

And there goes my chances of not only making out with someone, but meeting Harry.

And if I'm being brutally honest I don't think I want to share such an experience with Luke fucking Hemmings who won't go home and write about it in a journal let alone remember it like I would.

He probably tells all the girls they're stunning.

It's probably a script in his head and girls just fall at his feet when they hear the perfectly rehearsed horribly cheesy lines.

Nobody would ever recognize me or my face in a million years. He must be doing this because his band wanted to get to know my friends.

Oh god I'm a charity case.

But I remember how much fun my friends are already having and a plan to meet 1D and know I can't just mess it all up for everyone because I'm a prude. I don't think they'd ever forgive me if I did.

I'm thankful Maddie tries to grab my attention before I could be alone with Luke again. I just need a breather. I need to organize my thoughts into manilla folders.