don't you go // lrh

/thirty/

/ants/

/amara/

I wasn't sure if I could be called out by Luke for skipping out on nearly the entire set. I don't know if he's gonna notice. Too early to tell.

I hate time zones, I think to myself when the third consecutive call I make to Jesse goes to voicemail. Both Jesse and Maddie aren't answering their phones. It's midnight back home.

It's going to be a long night I realize. I feel like I've been out here chain smoking cigarettes for ages and it probably hasn't even been that long.

Even though if I listen closely I can still hear 5sos, my heartbeat is beating so loudly in my ears, nothing else is registering. Not even the traffic forming outside the venue.

And though I'm glad I talked Luke off the anxiety ledge, nobody's here to talk me off my own.

I followed Rick to the sound pit in the crowd and I watched the first few songs.

I was in desperate need of a toilet and Rick asked a female staff member to escort me to the ladies room.

She waited for me outside.

Though now I wish she just came in with me. Maybe nothing would've happened if she was with me.

A 5sos fan asked me for a photo. And I was in the middle of saying 'no' as politely as possible when she pulled out her phone and took a photo anyway. I thought that was the weirdest thing that's ever happened.

But I spoke too soon.

On our way back to the sound pit, I could feel the stares. I couldn't tell if they were staring before my bathroom break or not. I guess I foolishly wasn't paying enough attention to my surroundings. I more foolishly thought nobody would notice me. Is it stupid of me then? To think they'd pay attention to the show and not who's at the show?

Maybe if this was a few weeks ago, pre-TMZ, nobody would notice me.

Halfway through Don't Stop, my phone started to vibrate in my bag. Non stop. So fast I thought somebody was calling me.

But no, the fan posted the photo and sent it to a bunch of update accounts letting them know I was in fact in attendance. And of course, I look terrible in the photo, and everyone's having a field day pointing that out.

I felt my whole body go hot and my breathing became quick. Uneven. I couldn't get full lung capacity no matter how hard I was trying.

I pull Rick aside, unsure of what else to do, and I beg him to take me outside.

I nearly collapsed onto the concrete, searching desperately for a smoke in my bag. I couldn't get one lit fast enough.

I sat down, and began to wonder if coming here was a mistake. I had to delete the Twitter app all over again and Instagram was gone soon after. And even though I'm alone out here in the slight Southern California chill, I feel like an ant under a microscope and come morning I'll be burned by the daylight.

I ended up staying out in the parking lot the entire show. I kept going back and forth in my mind if I should just leave. Head back to the hotel and crawl under the covers so that nobody could ever see me and post a picture of me on Twitter ever again.