don't you go // lrh

/twenty five/

/new disease/

/amara/

I didn't feel clean after my hot bath. I was still a bit sick from the lack of sleep and basic nutrients and the over all disgust. For him. For me.

When the bath water got ice cold I called it a night. I took a long nap. I hoped it was all a horrible dream and I was gonna wake up in a hotel in Pasadena California, ready for my last night at one direction.

But it wasn't. And I felt the sickness all over again.

Jesse and Maddie slept at my house. We were exhausted and mom didn't have the heart to send them home in my current state.

When we woke up the next morning the last thing we expected was all our parents waiting for us in my living room.

Maddie spoke first, "What's going on?"

We should've seen it coming.

"Sit down Madeline." Her father said.

"Dad-"

"Sit."

It was obvious the empathy ran out for us. They scolded us and lectured us about lying to them and going behind their backs have consequences. They have half a mind to leave all the photos published. Teach us a lesson.

Our moms went into great detail about why reputation matters here. It can get you way farther than powerful connections. L.A and New York isn't the real world. This is. And we've had too long a vacation from our responsibilities. We can't all just throw away years of their hard work in the name of 'fun'.

They're doing everything they can to get the pictures back. But made it clear they'll never help us with this again.

That's when the finale came. We can't hang out anymore. Not for a long, long time.

I took another shower after the house was empty and still didn't feel clean.

Even now. Two weeks later. Two long weeks of showers later.

I still feel dirty.

I haven't left the house per mom's advice. She doesn't think it's smart for me. They'll find me. Take pictures. Or people we know will ask me questions. It'll be easier with time to dodge it all, she promises. I trust her. She has experience.

The media storm when she dated dad wasn't easy either.

But I don't even think I can call whatever Luke was doing with me dating either. Oh there it is again. Nausea.

I'm in no place to ask for anything. She's made that clear. She feels for me, but I still lied and snuck around behind her back. I never thought it would land me here.

Jesse and Maddie were in those pictures too and therefore banned from our house until further notice. All the parents are furious and we'll probably see each other next on college move in day.
We can't even call each other. We wouldn't be allowed to even if my phone wasn't locked away in one of the safes.

Dad says she's trying to punish me as gently as possible. She's doing it for my own good is what they keep repeating.

I guess that means they're still being brutal online. So called fans. So called journalists.

I caught a few peeks before I had to turn it in. It was ugly. Or, I was. In those photos. And everyone's picking at my clothes. My makeup. My weight. My stupid stupid face. I didn't stop crying for days. Partly Luke. Partly the attention I got because of Luke.