Doorways to Everywhere (Tourist Trap Book 2)

Chapter 17

Zeke had found something that appeared to be a shower in one of the bathrooms on the ship. The water smelled a bit like pickles, but after sticking numerous objects in it and determining that it wasn't acid or something else that might melt his skin off, he decided to rinse off. He had to admit he was starting to get a little ripe.

Luckily there was plenty of hot water and he took a nice long refreshing shower. He had also found a stack of towels and was able to dry himself off thoroughly. He felt pretty good as he walked back to his room.

The door opened with a whooshing sound and he was greeted by the sight of Milosh sitting on the bed clipping his toenails. "Zeke! Is good to see you!"

"It's good to see you, too," Zeke said.

"Hugs for roommate," Milosh said as he leaped up and wrapped Zeke in a warm embrace.

Milosh smelled like stale body odor and Zeke was perturbed to notice that the scent stuck to him after the hug ended, more or less undermining the shower he had just taken. "Thanks, Milosh."

"Milosh has present for Zeke," Milosh said.

"You have a present for me?" Zeke said. "You didn't have to do that."

"Milosh has knitted Zeke a sweater." He shoved a hairy bundle into Zeke's hands.

"You really didn't have to do that," Zeke said as he looked at it uncertainly.

"Zeke try on now," Milosh said and gestured emphatically at the sweater.

"Maybe later," Zeke said. "It's such a nice sweater. I don't want to stretch it out."

"Milosh has worked hard on sweater. Has made it out of his own back hair. Zeke try on now."

"Look, it was really nice of you to make me this, but I'm not really a sweater guy. Plus it's pretty warm in here right now."

"Zeke try on now," Milosh repeated again.

"Man, you're not going to let this go, are you?" Zeke rolled his eyes. "All right, I'll put the sweater on for a second if it'll get you off my back." He pulled the sweater over his head. It was a little itchy, but it fit snugly and was surprisingly kind of comfortable.

"Now Zeke and Milosh married," Milosh said.

"Excuse me?" Zeke asked.

"On Ingleblott when one knits a sweater and someone puts on they become married," Milosh explained.

"Well then it's a damn good thing we're not on Ingleblott anymore," Zeke said as he hastily tried to pull off the sweater.

He heard the door swoosh open behind him and Nulfar came striding in. "Strap in everyone. We're about to blast off."

"Wait, we haven't taken off yet?" Zeke asked. "We're still on Ingleblott?"

"Correct," Nulfar said cheerfully. "And all local laws are in full effect. I see you're wearing a sweater Milosh knitted for you. Congratulations on the nuptials."

"How exactly does one go about getting a divorce on Ingleblott?"

"From what I've gathered in my brief period of studying the Ingleblott culture one must smack themselves across the face five times with a wooden plank such as this one I managed to procure from one of the collecting ships." He held up a long board that Zeke quickly snatched out of his hand.

Zeke vigorously smacked himself in the face with the plank the required five times. "That was quite painful, but ultimately worth it."

"Very impressive, Earthman. Unfortunately, we left the planet before you performed the ritual so the Ingleblott laws are no longer in effect. I'm afraid that was a useless gesture. You, my Earth friend, are still married."

"How can we possibly have blasted off already?" Zeke said. "I didn't feel anything at all."

"I assure you that during the course of our conversation the ship did indeed take off. Due to the highly experimental dampening technology we are currently testing out you may not have experienced any sensation of motion."

"Then why did you come in here and tell us to strap in? And when the hell did you guys get dampening technology? Are you fucking with me?"

"I'm afraid there is much your primitive Earth brain is unable to grasp. The simple explanation is Moof. Well, I'd better be going now. I do not wish to intrude upon your honeymoon." He whirled around and exited out the door accompanied by the customary whooshing noise.

Zeke turned and glanced at Milosh who was looking at him expectantly.

"Don't get any big ideas. This marriage is not getting consummated. And would you mind picking up your toenail clippings? They're kind of gross. And from what I understand there might even be universes lurking in those things."

"Is always nagging Milosh," the alien said as he began cleaning up his mess.