Doorways to Everywhere (Tourist Trap Book 2)

Chapter 55

Maurice walked out into the street and looked around. "Yeah, I don't see anything around here that looks like a diner." He stopped a family of gazelles that were walking past. "Excuse me, do you know where to get a good skunk burger around here?"

"Sorry, buddy," one of the gazelles said. "We don't live here. We're just in town for the Lawn Chair Day celebrations. Did you see that parade earlier? It was just amazing."

"No, I'm afraid I didn't catch it," Maurice said. "Well, thanks anyway."

"Happy Lawn Chair Day," the gazelle said as the family continued on down the street.

"You too," Maurice said. He arbitrarily started walking down the street in the opposite direction. He noticed a bench underneath an awning that was labeled "Roto-Bus Stop." There was a large sign mounted behind it that looked like it might possibly be a map.

"Well, let's see what we've got here," Maurice said as he started reading the sign aloud. "Do Not Read This Sign Under Penalty of Law." He scratched his head and read it again. "Huh. That's odd." A loud siren erupted and a light started flashing red above the sign.

"Excuse me, sir," a high-pitched voice said from behind him. "Are you reading that sign?"

He whirled around to see a fluffy French poodle in a police uniform. "Pardon?"

"I asked you if you were reading the sign," she said. "Because it's clearly stated that it is illegal to read that sign."

"You mean this sign?" Maurice asked. "No, of course not. I mean, yes, I looked at it. I might have accidentally read some of the words in the process."

"So you admit you were breaking the law," the poodle said.

"Well, I suppose so," Maurice said. "I didn't realize I was doing it though. I mean, how is a person supposed to know they're not supposed to read the sign without reading the sign?"

"Ignorance of the law is no excuse, sir. You might not know that murder's illegal, but if you kill somebody I'm going to have to arrest you."

"Yeah, but murdering somebody is hardly the same thing as reading a sign," Maurice said.

"It's not my job to assign values to crimes," she said. "I see someone breaking the law, I arrest them. Now, I'm going to need to have you place your hands above your head and stand against the wall over there."

"Just because I read a sign?" Maurice said. "Come on. This seems a little ridiculous, don't you think?"

"Sir, are you going to cooperate or am I going to have to add a resisting arrest charge to your rap sheet?"

"All right, I'm cooperating," Maurice said as he stood against the wall.

"Anything I should know about?" The police officer asked as she frisked him. "Any weapons or illegal substances?"

"No, ma'am," Maurice said. "I don't own either of those things."

"All right. Looks like you're clean. Now put your hands behind your back so I can put the cuffs on."

"Are you taking me to jail?" Maurice asked. "I'm sorry I read the sign. I promise I won't do it again. I didn't know. I'm not even from around here."

"A tourist, huh?" the police officer said. "Probably here to get sloppy drunk for Lawn Chair Day and cause lots of mischief, huh? I'll tell you, maybe that Trevor Mastodon guy was right when he said we should ban all the tourists."

"I'm really, really sorry," Maurice said. "I've learned my lesson. I promise."

"You know, illegal sign reading really ticks me off," the police officer said. "It's just the blatant disrespect for the law. The sign clearly lets you know you shouldn't read it, yet you go ahead and read it anyway. Still, in light of the fact that it's your first offense, I suppose I can let you off with a warning this time. Don't let me catch you doing it again, though, or you're going to be really sorry."

"Thank you so much, ma'am," Maurice said as she removed the handcuffs. "Just so I'm clear is it illegal to read all signs around here?"

"Of course not," the police officer said. "What kind of stupid law would that be? No, only the signs marked 'Do Not Read' are illegal to read. Now get out of here before I change my mind about hauling you off to jail."

"Yes, ma'am," Maurice said. "May I ask you just one more question first? Would you happen to know a good place to get a skunk burger around here?"

"You should really get yourself a tourist guide or something, you know that? Well, anyway, Sweaty Jim's Dinery-O-Rama is right around the corner. They've got some of the best skunk burgers in town."

"Thank you very much, ma'am," Maurice said as he hurried around the corner. He spotted the diner immediately and went inside. A young mouse with long blonde hair was working the counter and took his order. He asked for three skunk burgers to go and sat down in one of the stools while he waited for the food to come.

An overweight bald man in a wrinkly Hawaiian shirt sat down in the stool next to him. A distinct aroma of body odor wafted off of him. "Hey partner, thanks for choosing to eat at Sweaty Jim's Dinery-O-Rama. I'm Sweaty Jim. How's Melanie here treating you?"

"She's doing a very good job," Maurice said.

"Good, good," Sweaty Jim said. "I guess I won't fire her then. At least not tonight. Aw, I'm just joshing. Melanie's good people. So you in town for Lawn Chair Day?"

"Well, I didn't come here for Lawn Chair Day in particular, but I suppose I'm here during the celebrations anyway."

"Indeed you are, son," Sweaty Jim said. "Indeed you are. So you like to party or what?"

"I enjoy a nice social engagement from time to time," Maurice said. "A nice quiet affair where you can hear people talk. The art of conversation is really disappearing these days."

"You're funny, pal," Sweaty Jim said. "I'm talking some serious partying here. I've got a bottle of grog behind the counter, if you're interested. I used to have a flask of top quality booze, but I'm afraid somebody stole it."

"I don't think I'm interested," Maurice said. "But, you know, if you're interested in partying I got invited to this really big party tomorrow night. I don't really want to go, but I guess I'll make an appearance to be polite."

"Really big party, you say," Sweaty Jim said as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Yeah, some guy is getting married so they're throwing a bachelor party for him.  We're all going to meet up ahead of time at my employers' lab. Then we're going to someplace called Keith's Topless Valhalla."

"Keith's Topless Valhalla, you say," Sweaty Jim said as he arched his eyebrows.

"Yeah," Maurice said. "I can give you the address where we're meeting up, if you'd like."

"Why don't you do that?" Sweaty Jim said as he drummed his fingers together.

Maurice wrote the information down on a napkin and handed it over. "There you go. Be sure to show up by sunset."

"I most certainly will," Sweaty Jim said. "Melanie, give this guy his food on the house, will you? Tomorrow night is going to be epic, my friend. Truly epic."