deranged [sequel to unlovable]

part 25

songs :

• wolves - maldito
• just believe - g-eazy
• night trouble - petit biscuit

___________________
[vanessa's pov]
what is real anymore?
time goes by so slow. seconds feel like minutes.
"do you have little interest or pleasure in doing things?" the doctor asks.
i stare straight ahead, "i don't know."
"do you ever feel down, depressed or hopeless?"
"almost all of the time."
"trouble falling or staying asleep? sleeping too much at times? nightmares?"
"yes to all three."
"feel tired or have little energy?"
"sometimes.. i get these bursts of energy at times.. it changes all the time.. i don't really know."
he licks his lips and furrows his eyebrows at his clipboard.
"hm... vanessa, would you mind if i changed your screening?" he asks.
"sure." i reply.
he pulls out two new empty charts and then continues.
"i have all of the info we have already entered.. damien also supplied us with some documents." he says.
i blink a few times. the bright lights are giving me a headache.
i'm still shaking & my body aches.
"alright, vanessa. have you ever felt so good or hyper that other people thought you were not your normal self?" he asks.
"yes."
"do you become irritable and start fights or arguments that aren't necessary?"
"yes."
"do you have random boosts of self-confidence?"
"yes."
"are you sometimes more talkative than usual? or maybe your speech is faster?"
"yes."
"thoughts racing through your mind, you can't control or slow them?"
"yes."
"do you ever hear voices or get easily distracted by things around you.. things that may not even exist?"
"yes, especially more lately."
"are you sexually active or more interested in sex?"
"yes.. to both."
"we've established that you've self-harmed and were suicidal.. does that still stand?"
"um.. i don't self-harm anymore.. but i think about suicide, yes. i'm not worried about my safety or anything, don't worry.. i'd never do it, they're just thoughts." i say.
"vanessa... i think i've reached my diagnosis." he says, setting down his pen.
i take a deep breathe and close my eyes.
he takes off his glasses, "you're definitely positive for bipolar disorder.. also depression, maybe generalized anxiety disorder.. some manic episodes.. possibly schizophrenia. from what i have here, that's what i'm ruling out for you. although most of what you suffer with does not have a cure, we can discuss what you'd like to do from here."
but, doctor.. i don't know.
i don't fucking know. i don't know what to do.
"how about we end today's visit & you can call back with your answer. i'll let you process everything and share the news. stay strong and keep your head up, okay? you're a beautiful girl & i know everything will work out in the end." he says, handing me a packet of paper.
i give him a soft smile, "thank you, sir.. truly."
he nods & opens the door for me.
i walk out into the waiting room & as soon as damien sees me, he stands up.
"i.." i start to stay, but i feel the lump in my throat and the stinging in my eyes.
he rushes over to me & pulls me in a hug.
i just want to be okay.

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"you're sure you're going to be okay here by yourself.. i swear, i want to stay so badly but they say it's mandatory." he says.
i nod, "i'll be fine, it's okay."
"you're welcome to invite anyone over, i went to the store yesterday.. text or call me if you need anything." he says.
he leans down slightly to kiss me.
i lean in and kiss him back, he fills me up with more warmth and reminds me that i am loved.
the one thing i can still feel.. love.
he then pulls me in for a hug, which i embrace him tightly. i love his hugs.
he then picks up his bag & starts to walk out the front door.
"damien?" i call out to him from the living room.
he turns around, "yes?"
"i-i love you." i say.
a smile appears on his face, "i love you most, vanessa."
and with that, he leaves.
i sigh and fall back onto the couch.
after a few minutes of staring at the ceiling, i hear a car horn coming from outside.
damien? what did he forget now?
i get off the couch & peek outside. it's not damien's vehicle.. i don't even recognize it.
then, i recognize the familiar face as he approaches the front door.
i furrow my eyebrows & open the door, slowly.
"new car, you like?" he asks with a smile.
i bite my lip, "caleb.. what are you doing here?"
"you're coming with me." he says.
i fold my arms, "am i now?"
"yes." he says, turning around and walking back to his car.
i roll my eyes and slide on my converse.
i then grab my phone and my sweatshirt, sliding it over my head.
i lock the door behind me and get into his car cautiously.. is this is a good idea?
"hey." he says.
i smile softly, "hey."
then, we drive. his new car is really nice. it smells new, like brand new leather & a good air freshener.
the dashboard is lit up with a deep red color.
we drive down the winding roads, the moon shines into the car.
i look up at the sky and watch the stars as we drive.
i don't ask where we're going because really, i don't care. i'm actually super thankful he didn't leave me alone tonight.
i lean my head against the door and listen to the sounds of his music quietly playing.
time flies by and we're parking on a side street.
"ready?" he says.
i sit up and look around.
he gets out of the car and opens the door for me.
i step out and finally see, towards the end of the street. it's a park.. and it's beautiful.
the snow has melted down a lot over the last couple weeks, leaving the streets and sidewalks clear.
the streetlights reflect off the wet pavement.
i notice there's a frozen river and bridges, as well as a bunch of shops.
it's only about 8 at night, but it's so beautiful.
i already feel myself relaxing a bit from the cold wind, my hot skin appreciates the chill.
i walk next to caleb as we approach one of the sidewalks.
"do you care about me?" i ask.
he laughs, "of course i do."
really? because it doesn't feel like that...
"how did today go?" he asks.
i take a deep breathe and turn to face him on the sidewalk.
when my eyes meet his, my heart just can't take it.
"h-he told me bipolar disorder, depression, general anxiety disorder, schizophrenia.. and.." i cry.
i'm always crying but whatever.. i am completely numb at this point.
he places one hand on the back of my hand and pulls me close.
i embrace him and breathe him in.
"it's gonna be okay." he says.
will it? will it really? i'm feeling everything and nothing at the same time.
after a moment, we pull away from each other.
he smiles, "now.. let's have a little adventure."
he begins to walk down the sidewalk, but then he suddenly slips and falls, landing right on his ass.
something in my heart just makes a click almost.. i can feel something connect within me.
then i realize, i'm laughing.
i'm laughing for the first time in days.
"damn, i missed that sound.. but why are you laughing!? help me up!" he says, laughing too.
i hold my hand out to him but instead he lightly pulls me down on top of him.
i giggle, "oh my god."
suddenly, his smile fades as he looks at me.
"you're so beautiful.. you know that, right?" he says.
the voice in my head wants to scream.. wants to cry.. all of the negative emotions, really.
he's really confusing.. but i don't care.
i just smile and thank him.
he then helps me up and we continue to run across the sidewalks like idiots.
i don't know what this is.. or what i'm exactly doing.. but it doesn't feel wrong.
i needed an adventure to clear my mind.. and i actually laughed.
i'm still shaking and i still am aching..

but right now, it's only external.

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no pov switches this chapter because idk actually but yo those doctor visits are v intense

hope ur doing well, i feel like shit but it is OKAY

thank you for reading xo

- adrianna