deranged [sequel to unlovable]

part 29

songs :

• life of the party - shawn mendes
• not alone - red

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[vanessa's pov]
the rest of the trip went by quickly & before i knew it, i was already getting off the plane.
my trip with damien was great.. but i still couldn't ignore the emptiness in my heart.
it was only truly filled when i was with him, and i'm slowly beginning to realize my mistakes.
gosh, i'm so stupid sometimes.
"are you sure you're going to be okay for a little while?" i ask damien as he sets our suitcases down inside.
he smiles wide & nods his head.
"vanessa, go. i'll be happy because you are." he says.
i nod & walk out the door, rushing to my jeep.
i feel pretty bad about leaving him, but i need to follow my heart again.
i feel so disconnected when i don't.
the roads are mostly clear, and there's nothing falling from the sky so this should be an okay drive.
my mind is racing with thoughts & fears.
what if he hates you now? what if he wants nothing to do with you? he's probably moved on.
i'm such an idiot.

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[caleb's pov]
i pull up to my driveway & notice the familiar jeep parked there.
she's back! i mean.. oh, she's back.
i cautiously slide out of my seat and slam the door behind me, walking to the door.
i open the door to find her sitting on the couch.
she stands up immediately upon my entrance, "hey.."
"hi." i mumble, shutting the door behind me.
there's a tension between us.. it's not quite awkward, but it's not comfortable either.
her hair is pulled into a ponytail & she's wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt.
i'm almost wearing the same as her, it's funny how shit works out sometimes.
my mind runs wild but i can't pinpoint anything to speak out loud.. it's like my vocal cords won't work.
she blinks, "i-i don't know if this was a good idea."
before i realize, she's sliding on her shoes & walking out the door.
you idiot, snap out of it!
i run out behind her, "wait.. stay."
she stops & i can hear her breathing.
she turns around slowly, "i came to talk to you.."
i look at her, confused.
"what's going on?" i ask.
she bites on her lip, "listen, caleb.. i'm so sorry. i'm sorry for being distant and leaving you. you were always there for me & i left you when things got hard. you probably are aware that i went on vacation with damien.. and it was nice but i realized something. there is no one but you in my eyes, i will never love anyone like i love you."
"you deserve better, vanessa." i whisper.
she sighs, "don't say that... please don't say that. i want you and only you."
i shake my head and look off into the distance.
"look at me, caleb. i. love. you. no matter what. i'm such an idiot for walking away from you.. and i don't blame you if you hate me.. just know that i love you & i'm here you. i know you made your mistakes, but i made a good amount as well." she says, looking directly into my eyes.
my heart rate quickens, "vanessa.. i don't know what's going on with me. everything changes in my mind all the time. i love you & i missed you so much, i just think you need to find better than me."
"caleb.. stop.. it's not your fault. we'll be okay." she mumbles.
i shake my head, "but what if it's not okay?"
"it will be. i promise." she says.
my mind & body goes numb.
"i'm not okay." i whisper.
she lunges forward and pulls me in a hug, a feeling i've missed more than i had thought.
my thoughts clear out for just a moment-- just one moment to listen to her heartbeat & breathe in her soft, strawberry scented hair.
"what's wrong with me?" i whisper.
she rubs my back, "you will be okay, i promise.. but-- gosh i don't know how to say it. babe, you have-- you have bipolar disorder. it's just a label.. it doesn't define you. i love you, so much that i had to tell you.."
i drown out everything except her words that echo in my head.
bipolar disorder.

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[vanessa's pov]
i love him more than words can express. i lay here in his arms as the tv plays "the ranch" on auto-play.
neither of us are truly watching it.
we're both comfortable in each other's company.. and that's what matters right now.
i run my fingers through his wild hair as he lays in my lap, an innocent act that makes me so beyond happy.
he hasn't said a word in twenty minutes but i allow him to take the time he needs.
i whisper reminders such as "i love you" and "you mean the world to me" and "it will be okay" in hopes that he can hear me & listen.
he is so close to me & my heart.. and i am so beyond lucky to have him in my life.
it's hard not to fuck things up because i feel as though it's in my nature.. but i seriously love him.
i love every little feature & detail about him, i love him for the flaws & for the bumps in the road.. the highs & the lows.. i love him.
does it matter if i love him? i hope he hears me & he listens. i want him to be okay, to be happy.
as these thoughts run through my head, tears prick my eyes and i shake my head.
"vanessa?" he asks.
i smile, "yeah?"
"are you okay? how are you?"
those questions aren't the easiest for me to answer.
"um.. i'm really good right now, i just care about you." i say, my voice cracking slightly from the lump in my throat.
he notices & sits up, his eyes immediately scanning over my features.
"don't cry, hey.. it's okay." he says, holding my face with his hands.
he leans in slowly & presses his lips against mine, a feeling i have missed more than words can explain.
his lips are sweet & soft.
"i love you." we tell each other in unison before laying down next to each other.
he shuts the light off on his bedside table & then wraps his arms around me, pulling me close.
in this moment, the only thought in my head is him.

with the sound of his breathing & the warmth of his body against mine, i'm able to fall asleep quickly.

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bitCH IT'S SNOWING LIKE A BITCH AHAHAHA AND I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND AHAHA

love does weird things to a person yanno like eating, sleeping all of that normal shit doesn't feel normal anymore

do u know when u hold two magnets close, but not together? that's what my heart feels like 24/7 and it's honestly ajsjdkkfkfgk

aNYWAYS thank you for reading! xo

- adrianna