deranged [sequel to unlovable]

part 31

songs :
be still - the fray
where's my love - syml
________________
[vanessa's pov]
i tell him when we pull into the parking lot.
"caleb.. hey.. it's okay." i attempt to calm him down.
he looks at me with a hurt expression, "do you really think something is wrong with me?"
"this is something both of us need.. we both know that we're not 100% healthy in the brain." i explain, shutting my jeep off.
he just takes a deep breathe and opens his door.
fine, i get it. this isn't fun.. whatever.
i walk up to the front door with him, and i can see damien staring at me through the tinted office windows.
he looks really great. he's wearing a t-shirt with his leather jacket and dark jeans.
i'm wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt. today is a comfy/cozy kind of day.
my first instinct upon entering the building is to hug him tight.. i really missed him.
"hey." he mumbles as he wraps his strong arms around me.
i smile into his jacket, "hi."
we separate and he keeps me close to his side.
i look at caleb, who's looking down at his phone.
this is pretty strange, actually.
it smells like hand sanitizer & my senses are alreadyoverwhelmed from the bright lights.
"caleb and vanessa?" a doctor says as he enters the waiting room.
caleb looks at me and i just stare into his eyes.
is he.. afraid?
i step away from damien and give him one final look of "wish me luck" before walking with the doctor into a room.
the walls are way too white, it's giving me a headache. maybe i just have a headache from being here.. i don't know.
caleb stares at me as we walk down the hall.
"it's gonna be okay.. don't worry." i remind him as we walk into the room.
there's two chairs in front of a small desk.
we both sit down in them as the doctor sits behind the desk.
"okay. vanessa.. we've seen you and diagnosed you already, correct?" the doctor asks.
"correct." i answer, staring down at my hands in my lap.
caleb bounces his leg, i can tell that he's nervous.
"caleb.. we've screened you before, but the results were left to.. damien.. correct?" the doctor asks, looking up at caleb.
he shakes his head, "yes, from what i know."
"how have you been?" the doctor asks him.
caleb smiles a little, "i'm fine."
bullshit. bullshit and we all know it.
"okay.. with BPD that can be a common response. that's why we're here today." he says, gathering packets of paper.
he slides a packet to each of us, "inside of these you will find contact information for therapists and psychologists as well as information to help inform yourselves on your conditions. if you need anything, just follow the instructions or give us a call. we're here to help. it's good that you two came in today, this will help you not only now, but in the long run."
we both read over the first page of the packet, and some of the words on the page are already giving e anxiety. this is me, i can't change it. it does not define me, i will be okay.
we both will be okay.
"alright, any questions from either of you?" the doctor asks as he types into his computer.
"do you have any advice for us? especially for a relationship?" i ask, adjusting myself in my chair.
caleb shoots me a glare of-- well i'm not really sure.
the doctor removes his glasses, "well, with both of your cases.. it's not a great idea. advice for the both of you would be to work on yourselves. relationships work weird with the chemicals in the brain. work on yourselves, become stable.. then take things slowly. that's all you really can do. we have some medication for you both to help keep you a little more sane. vanessa, yours will help you stay in control, maintain a healthy emotion balance and help you get some good sleep. caleb, yours will help regulate your brain patterns and help calm your moods. call if any side effects or symptoms arise. any other questions?"
i stay quiet in case caleb wants to ask anything.
he stays silent in the chair next to me.
"nope, i think we're all good." i say, shaking the doctor's hand.
he hands us two receipts for our medication.
"take two a day. one in the morning, one at night." he orders.
i thank him and leave the room, caleb following behind me.
he has an expression on his face that i can't read.
"hey, how'd it go?" damien asks as i walk into the waiting room.
i smile, "it went okay. got to pick up our medication."
i turn around to face caleb who stares at a wall behind me.
damien begins to walk out the door, and caleb & i follow behind him.
"what's wrong? are you okay?" i ask caleb as the door shuts behind us.
"i'm fine!" he shouts.
i look at him in confusion, "caleb.."
"i'm fine, vanessa. don't worry about me, in fact.. why are you still here? why did you come back? i used you, i hurt you & now you're back again." he rants, staring right into my eyes.
i step back a little and blink rapidly, processing his words. this seems so easy for him to say.. i think he's done, but i'm wrong.
"you heard what the doctor said.. we don't work. you should just.. go. it would be best for the both of us. you were just someone i could go to and be with when i was lonely, because my girlfriend is in prison for murder. i'm sorry you thought we could make it.. i really hope you find happiness, though. now please take me home and never come back, because we're done." he rambles.
my heart shatters with each word he says. damien stares at the both of us in shock.
"vanessa.." damien whispers, in fear of my mental state.
i smile as tears rush down my cheeks, "got it."
i grab my keys out of my purse and walk to my car.
caleb walks to the passenger side. part of me doesn't want to drive him anywhere, i could just leave him here.
i'm too nice for that. i unlock my phone and send damien a quick text.

dropping him off. coming home after. xo

i pull out of the parking lot quickly and begin to drive over the speed limit.
it's a back road, but it's still illegal and gives me the rush of adrenaline.
he glances at me from the passenger seat at times, but other than that.. he seems unbothered.
i continue to speed until we reach his house, and when we pull in the driveway he unbuckles quickly.
"thanks." he says before getting out the car.
he doesn't say anything else as he rushes up to his front porch and hurries inside.
i bang one of my palms on my steering wheel.
tears spill down my cheeks, nothing new.
i then back out of the driveway and speed over to damien's. our house.
fuck. why am i like this? why did i do this to myself again? what the hell is wrong with me?
i had everything in front of me & caleb managed to cloud my vision again, giving me that empty and false hope to make me stay.
when i drive up the long driveway and park my car, i've collected my emotions and i finally got my shit together.
you're okay, vanessa. you've done it once, you can do it again.
when i get inside, damien isn't in view. the kitchen light is on so i decide looking there first.
as i walk in the kitchen, i see him placing the vase of roses down on the kitchen table.
there's a big taco bell bag sitting on the table as well. he looks up at me and a small smile appears on his face.
i just stare at him, how his hair looks so perfect.. his defined torso in that t-shirt. those icy eyes just staring right into mine. his perfect white teeth and that smile that melts my heart.
he's so-- so beautiful. his expression tells me a billion things, and there's something behind his eyes. fuck.
"hey, love." he says, standing up straight.
there goes the idea of being collected. i erupt like a volcano or something.
"damien.. fuck, i don't know what to do. what did i do wrong? why is this happening? why did i do that.. oh god why did i do that!? i left you, but i love you.. i love you. oh my god, i'm so sorry. i fucked up. i really fucked up." i begin to ramble which turns into sobbing quickly.
he stares at me with a worried expression.
"i'm such an idiot, i'm so stupid. what is wrong with me? why the fuck am i like this? i fucking trusted him! i loved him! i can't believe this is happening oh my gosh--" i sob.
damien just walks towards me and pulls me in a tight hug.
my body goes numb. i hold onto him and breathe in his cologne.
he exhales, "it's going to be okay, i promise. i love you, vanessa. take some deep breathes, everything is gonna be okay."
i listen to his softly spoken words and take some deep breathes.
my mind begins to clear out a little.
"tomorrow we can go to the shooting range, if you want? we can go shopping after? whatever you want, love.. just know that you're going to be okay. everything will be okay." he assures me.
i nod and take some more deep breathes.
after a while, we disconnect and decide on eating tacos together.
he shows me funny videos on his phone as we eat, which almost involves me choking from laughing.
i calm myself down from a spell of laughter, "damien?"
"yes, love?" he asks, looking at me.
i smile, "thank you so much."
"always." he says, a smile tugging at his cheeks.

today was a roller coaster and my life seems to flip upside-down.. but right now, i'm happy.

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hey!!! it's been a while holy shit... sorry. haven't updated since late december & now it's almost february? DAMN.

this story is almost over which is kinda crazy to believe whOAAA

this chapter may have been all over the place, i tried my best.

thank you so much for reading.. :')

lots of love.
xo

- adrianna